Dream: Why No Die?

I had dream last night/this morning. I don't even know if this was a nightmare, or at least it didn't stay that way. It just left me confused. I remember the setting was my old home on W block, except in the dream, I still lived there.

I was being threatened by some dude that was saying he was gonna break into my home and murder me, maybe murder everyone, I don't remember. I think maybe he did kill others before he got there, but I can't remember those details. Anyhow, I locked the door and grabbed a knife or two. One of them was my green paring knife. I was holding that one the whole rest of the dream. When he came inside, I stabbed him a bunch, mostly in the chest, but he didn't bleed out. He just walked outside. I called 911 and told them my address and what happened and wanted to detain the dude who was no longer posing a threat, but because he had before and I wanted him arrested. I was confused why he was fine and just walking around after getting stabbed a bunch in the torso.

I remember thinking as I was awake and trying to get back to sleep. I specifically remember giving my current home address and knew the setting in the dream was my old home. This begs the question if perhaps I was the home invader that lost their damn mind. The police never showed, although I can't know whether or not they were on their way before I awoke. I also remember wondering if they'd send the SCP Foundation, but that was definitely after I had awoken when I had those thoughts, lol.

Dream: The Blood Games

Dream time...
I'm part of some group, possibly military, I don't remember. Anyhow, we do training that is akin to being in a video game, where you have to find supplies to use and they are just around somewhere in the environment. In each of these sessions, we start out either first or in a diffferent location than the 'people' that we are to battle. The opposing group/individuals are vampires. Needless to say, they don't need high powered rifles and are probably already wearing all they need. The earlier training sessions don't seem dangerous, but the later one seemed more important and/or dangerous. In between or after all of the sessions were done, someone was telling me what a disgrace I was for allowing myself to get enthralled by one of those blood suckers and while on live recording. This was a shock for 2 reasons. Number one, I didn't know we were being recorded or at least not on live tv. Number two, I didn't even remember that vampire encounter and had a mild panic to check my neck for markings, both with my hand and a mirror. They were there.

About me lately...
For October, I have watched quite a lot horror movies, which did include some vampire movies. However, the most recent this weekend were Hellraiser movies. The only connection in that was a thought that popped into my head from a meme about a landlord wanting money or blood for rent. I have been sick this weekend with a cold, but I don't know if that matters toward this dream. (Sometimes physical feelings encourage the subconscious to make something up in a dream.) Pain in my throat, maybe? lol, This is my brain after all. Another thing that comes to mind isn't that recent, but it was before surgery months ago. When I got my blood tested, prior to the surgery, the doc sent me a message before I even got the test results. "Your tank's half empty, take iron twice daily with vitamin C." (it was longer, but yeah.) Basically, I found out I was animic, which I had been oblivious to. Currently, my cheeks are plenty rosey, both because the cause of the blood loss was fixed and because I'm a little warm.

Hiding in Hollywood

I had a dream last night. I was playing hide n seek. The location was the Hollywood map on Overwatch. It's the one that looks like a western set. There was an extra room I had never seen before inside the building with the green screen. At the end it had either a large window, or it was open, like a balcony, which looked out into some sunny nature, maybe a meadow with a tree, but I can't quite remember (it was outside of the map, just scenery). When I found the room, I had raced back to the corner at the window with someone else that came in there when I did. Then we moved to the 2 opposite corners closest the door to hide better. The other people playing were celebrities, one of them being George Clooney for some reason and I forgot who else was there. There was also a lot of people just standing around, watching the event. This wasn't entirely like the video game, but rather more like a traditional game of hide n seek.

This dream is very clearly about hiding and exposure. However, I'm not sure what message my subconcious was trying to convey specifically. I didn't even think about it right away, but even the map... of course there's celebrities in Hollywood! lol

Personal-itty (pseudo psychology shit)

Hmm, so I was doing a post, then realized I already put that story (2013)... Only bit of useful information not contained in the original was that I remembered a name that "might" have been his and tossed it in the comments. Anyhow, I've got more on my mind.

I've had an interest in MBTI as of the last few months. I can't say as to the exact reason why though. Perhaps looking for answers to some unknown question. First time I took a test was in college and didn't think much on it beyond that day. I got INTJ, the only one in our small class and when the instructor was grouping us up by type, he just had me pair up with someone that got ENTJ, which are "sister types" so we could discuss whatever the hell we needed to for some assignment. To be fair, those two have the same top 4 cognitive functions, but in a different order. INTJ = Ni (introverted intuitive), Te (extroverted thinker), Fi (introverted feeler), & Se (extroverted sensor). ENTJ - Te, Ni, Se, Fi. He was someone I got along with, possibly more than the other classmates. We had some stuff in common I suppose, but you wouldn't know it easily, since he was chatty and I was most definitely not, lol. Anyhow, I remember taking the test since and forgetting about it past that. This most recent time, I don't know if it popped into my head randomly or what suggestion put it in my head, but I've been enjoying the silly parodies and solving curiosities. In all honesty, I've only really looked into like 6 of the 16 types on how their cognitive stacks tend to manifest & make more sense of those stereotypes in the silly videos beyond my own type. Starting with the one I got mistyped for on the 16personalities website, ISTJ, which was literally 51% S & 49% N. Followed by the other 1 letter off types and the fourth NT type. (I hesitate to say sister types because INTP has all 4 top cognitive functions different). When I looked into ENTP, I had the "AHA!" moment of figuring out what my bf is, lol. He won't waste his time with a test, because he doesn't like to be "put in a box". Then of course he doesn't because he's an extroverted intuitive XD (Ne, Ti, Fe, Si). Interesting enough, his type and my type are shadows of each other and then I come to find out shadow types do very well to get along for companionship or whatnot. The whole give & take with the functions, so less clashing & more making up for what the other lacks. I think there is also a lack of understanding among say xNTx to xSFx types, which I'm totally not helping with, having not really done much to learn more about the other 10 types, aside from knowing what their cognitive stacks are. Then again, "typical" behaviors are not always typical. Also, there's even the animal thing with whole sleep, consume, play, and blast to try and explain variances because humans are complicated.

It is quite common to get mistyped and I think that is the biggest issue with Myers Briggs not always being reliable. I try to emphasize to people new to it that it is very important to read the descriptions and if it sounds off, it probably is. Best you can do is go in honest and unbiased, as best you can. When I was looking into the differences between INTJ and ISTJ, was like "Hmm, I do like things to have some semblance of order", but... Plus, the functions themselves will tell you. Ni-Te does well for finding patterns, creative solutions (or is some cases, fucking duh! your answer exists already. how do you not see it?!) [Seriously though, sometimes it's hard to not be a damn stereotype when someone is so stupid, that I want to mentally slap them.] Also, Ni on it's own, my mind just wanders off more often than I care to admit. Fi in the third slot, means I do have my inner emotions, but they are not the first thing on my mind and as such do not always express them. Se fourth slot = "repressed Se" which is to say I either notice things very well or not at all. If I'm really focused on something, I can become oblivious to some things that require use of the 5 senses. It also means my type can easily get caught up in the extroverted senses, such as drinking and bing-eating, or in my case requiring my clothes to both look and feel good (to me), a hot bubble bath with lovely scented bath items (dear god that lavender soap is addictive), youtube, and video games. To me, everything has to have a point or purpose, even if it is simply curiosity or entertainment. Then there is extroverted feeling, the 7th function, the blind spot the size of a damn bus... dealing with other people. I'm pretty sure my experiences while my mind was developing contributed to that. Only child with a single mom, spent plenty of time alone.

Then I'd had the curiosity of enneagrams. There is no 1 "this is absolutely your type" test to be run, so much as you have to actually understand how it works and figure it out from there. At best, they give suggestions. As MBTI explains how you function, enneagrams is more to explain why you function (motivation). There are 9 types, placed in a circle. The symbol for enneagrams is to connect the types to make more sense in how a person might function. The lines in the middle of the circle connect each type to how they act like other types when they are healthy or unhealthy. There are different levels, which will change based on how healthy you are mentally ranging from optimum to normal to unhealthy. There are potential "wings" for each type, which is when you figure out your primary type, one or both of the adjacent types can be your wing/s. I took tests on 3 websites, got different, but similar results, figured out the rest from looking into what seemed most accurate. I seem to be a 5w6. That being "the investigator" with inclinations towards "the loyalist". The primary type being the curious thinky independent recluse and the second being committed, security-oriented, and highly suspicious.

TLDR: Looney is a huge fucking nerd and not very social.

The Old Wound That Never Really Healed

Oh look... the blog I forget I have until I have a dream I feel like recording/sharing. Except I barely remember dreaming anymore as my sleep patterns are trash due to work schedules and habits. Anyhow, I sleep heavier as a result. On the plus side, haven't had sleep paralysis in... I'm not sure how long it's been, but it's been a long time.

I suppose I could touch on a topic that has come to mind as of late for some reason. TRIGGER WARNING TO FUTURE SELF... the shit upsets me when I think about it too much. So, down deep into the rabbit hole of my brain, where it's dark and cold. Where to start... So, my parents divorced when I was a wee bebe. My mother got custody and didn't tell me all what went down with my father except pieces here and there into adulthood. She didn't want to trash talk and to let me form my own opinions of him. Quite frankly, he was a shit father. The number of times he has called me I could probably count on one hand, maybe two. ...maybe, but probably not. I didn't meet him until I was 12 (and haven't seen him since). Of course, he legally had to pay child support. We were poor when I was a kid, so that would have helped. However, he would dodge it and even hid from other family members (his parents and siblings) when one of my aunts ratted out his info to help us. When I was a kid, I would spend summers with relatives. It would alternate which grandparents I was with for a few weeks. He never came to visit while I was with his parents. There was even a time when he had been there prior to me coming. I remember hearing about him seeing my little cousins and buying them whatever little things it was... that just stung. He has always had knowledge of my home info address/phone or at the very least knew where to find it. Over the years, was either nothing or the rare big box of holiday presents. Can't buy my affection, but it's nice to know my existence has been remembered. Fast forward into adulthood... he eventually paid off the back child support to my mother, somewhere in my early 20s. I don't remember how old exactly, but that shit would have been more useful when I was a kid. At some point a bitterness towards the bastard had formed. I hate my middle name, because it was named after him. Move forward to... 26? 28? around there somewhere. He emails me. He informs me Grandpa passed, which my other relatives seemed to have forgotten to tell me (fucking ouch). I'm not one to want to hold on to negative emotions, so he wanna try and be less shit, ok. I'll hear him out. We email each other for a while. I've spoken to him on the phone a handful of times. After a while, some personal shit happens in his life, things involving a hospital and he's seeing another woman before the previous one moved out. The emails become less frequent. I'm not sure if it's the holidays with the emphasis on families and whatnot or his profession and my bf building a new pc (and having troubles), but I'm reminded. Last email was for last new year apparently. That anger, those hurt feelings being felt again. I don't know if he's having physical issues or just being a bastard because he's happy with his latest lady. I don't know who emailed who last and quite frankly I don't give a shit. Enough time has passed that it doesn't matter. Also, more importantly I DON'T OWE HIM SHIT. Even when we were on more positive terms, I felt anxiety when he talked about how he'd like me to come up there some time. Email is just text on a screen, same as this blog. Going out of my way, to leave home, to see him face to face after all these years is a huge step and I can't be the one to make that effort.

If you're reading this old man, fuck you.

Rear End

So, this dream was a couple nights ago, or whenever it was. It was recent and I still remember it. Could have been this morning, but early mornings are tiring and seem like longer ago.

I'm in a car with mom. She's driving. There's a truck on the left with a hispanic lady and guy, possibly siblings. The guy is driving, the girl is acting as if to challenge for a fight. We've no intention of stopping for scrapping. We keep driving, then speed up. We're ahead for a while, until they drive in front of us and the girl goes into whatever they are pulling along behind the truck. Right in front for the car, sorta mooning us, except with clothes on. Then the truck stops, causing us to rear-end them. A fender-bender.

At best I can think of is that the lady kinda reminds me of an old friend, but not really. Thinking about it now, my dream may have done a pun with the rear end. I can't think of any meaning to the dream though. I'll probably forget about it before figuring it out.

Crazy Trains and Stabby Dr. Suess

*Disclaimer: Dream does not actually contain Dr. Suess

Dream morning 12/28 I'm on what would best be described as either a train car or a vehicle stuck together with other identical vehicles in the shape of a train. It seems to change in size at different parts of the dream. I forget why I'm on there at first, but there are a bunch moving side by side and there's someone with me that I know (forget if mom or Lee upon awakening). Anyhow, that person jumps onto another train car to the left and I was going to follow, but things happened so fast, that I miss that and even nearly have my hand scraped or worse while holding the ladder rail. The train-things all veer off in different directions. At times the train-car is a bit too easy to tip, like it's just floating as it moves, so I have to keep it steady. Eventually, it comes to a turn and the two people in the cars ahead of me purposely knock their sections over to the right and get off and up stairs as quickly as they can. Mine goes towards the left and into what appears to be an abandoned cave-ride with obstructions, so I tip mine over too and jump out before it collides into something. Unsure of where I am or what's going on, I go up to the stairs the two people from the front cars had. However, very quickly there was other people coming out of nowhere (women, children, 3 old miners that came out of a door by the cave that I thought was fake or abandoned, and whoever else). I didn't know if they came from the commotion of the crash, but it became apparent they weren't just normal onlookers. What's more odd than them coming out of nowhere, was how they were all staring at me for some reason. As I climbed up the stairs, there was more people, just staring and a couple children latched on briefly. The second child was a mere toddler trying to grab me. I went on and then up a ladder. Before I reached another platform, some guy came from unknown place as the others had was suddenly behind me. (Yes, still on the ladder and so was he, cuz taller than me). In a deep voice with a British accent he said a rhyme and paused for half a second as he stabbed me in the left side of my torso (rib-cage area) with a thin dagger.

"I didn't know
When it first did begin
But please wait a moment (stab)
While your veins do rebend"

After the stab and last line, I woke up with the strong urge to pee.

It didn't just seem like, "oh, it's a dream so it's weird" at least not the last bit, after the crash. I got a sense of strange going-on's like some weird shit at the beginning of a sci-fi show/movie, before you know the back-story to understand wtf happened. You know the sort, some poor schmuck gets taken in by unknown entity and doesn't understand what happened or why. Did I disrupt something or have the misfortune to enter into a bad place? Did a similar fate happen upon everyone that was there? Perhaps the guys in the cars ahead of me knew something and hence their trying to avoid that cave area and frantic rush to get out of there. Those people staring as if expecting something... Then what happened after? Weird supernatural stuff? Death? But unlike Doctor Who or some other show, you can't just wait for the next episode or look it up online. The only explanation is within the subconscious of the head that dreamed it and it may not be as literal as a story.

Dragon-kin? - The Flight Dream

Been a while since I could remember dreaming or at least dreaming anything of interest worth jotting down. Anyhow, I had a dream last night (or more accurately, this morning) that I was part dragon. I had huge wings and flew around. Not sure if I'd had dreams of such free-flight before. Closest I had before was either like mega-jump or weak flight, where I couldn't for very long. No, this was good flying. Anyhow, I remember there being a large bay of some sort, ocean with land not too far. Maybe it was just ocean with shore, not sure. Anyhow, I remember there was giant squids in the water, like in the old sailors tales that could drag a boat under the water. Out of curiousity, I would fly over to one, but keeping a good distance to not get pulled under the water. I was likely the only one who could, because I didn't need a boat to do so. I don't recall where else I flew. Eventually, things turned sour as there was a woman that wanted to harm me. Tried to cut me with knife I think it was. At some point I got tangled up in something. Then the bad woman decided to violate me. That was a mistake. I gradually became more dragon-like, grew a jaw full of razor-sharp teeth, and took a chunk out of her neck. Then I was waking up and my imagination about growing rock-skin more akin to a dragon popped in my head, but I don't think it was part of the dream.

I might try and figure out the meaning of my dream later. For now, I figure part of it may be related to one of the last videos I watched before bed, "My Friend Deathwing." It wouldn't be the first time stuff I've watched caught up to me during sleep. All-in-all, interesting.

Ladybugs and Ramblings

Alright so sharing a couple dreams. Let's see...

So couple nights ago (mornings ago, whateve), I remember a dream about swarming ladybugs. I don't remember hardly anything, but I remember a part where there were lots & lots of ladybugs flying around someone for some reason. I don't even remember if they were friendly or pissed. I do remember some were green, while the others were red.

Then I had a dream yesterday morning. I remembered it when I woke up. I remember I was going to type up what I could remember, because for the last... hmm, couple years(?) that is a rarity for me to remember any dreams & typically just remembering that I had a dream is like "wow" (for lack of words). This is most likely due to my sleeping less hours than previously, which sends me right into deep sleep. Anyone who sleeps for like 12 hours at a time just astonishes me. My system has just adjusted itself, so if I can sleep 8 hours before I wake up, I am quite pleased and well rested. I need to work on that, cuz it's probably one of the reasons why I have trouble with my head. "What's wrong with your neck?" Nothing, I stretch my neck to relieve/avoid headache. Also, you know... computer sitting. What was I saying? ...Right, that dream. Nope, sorry. I can't remember it.

Yes, this is pretty much a filler post. I wanted to at least jot down the ladybug dream & slowly bury... well, that other old ass post. Yeah, they're all old ass posts, I know this. I should go do that sleep thing now. It's late and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. No big events, just my sweetie.

Getting to the Heart of the Issue

Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! what am I suppose to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the it thought it could give Cave Johnson Lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man that's gonna burn your house down! ...with the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustable lemon that burns your house down!

Personal story time: From, what was it? ...November 19th 2009 to August 26 2013 I had been in a relationship with a man I loved. We never had any real fights and had stuff in common. His taste in music sucked, but who cares? He had some personal issues to deal with, but I stuck around and tried to be there for him the whole time.

Problems in the relationship started about 3 months prior to the end, when I had come over to his house to hang out once he had come back from his doctor appointment. I even left home early that day so we could have a bit hang time before he had to leave. Anyhow, I got to his house and he wasn't there. Obviously he had left early and I didn't put too much thought into it. I went into the kitchen, made myself a sandwich, grabbed a soda & chips, went to his computer to watch youtube videos... His laptop was particially open & his facebook was open with 2 chatboxes. I don't know these people, so I'm curious and start reading. (I'm usually not nosey, but like I said, I was curious and it was right there.) That's when I found out he had been flirting with and seeing multiple girls. I was so stunned the whole thing seemed surreal to me. It's a very strange feeling when you aren't sure if what is happening around you is reality or not. On one level I flipped my shit, but on another it was like I was just playing the part of how people are expected to react when they find out something like that. I never ate my lunch, because it ended up part of the mess that was a trashed room. Not that it was tidy to begin with... I believed it was over, but I had to confront him and so I waited... mostly on the front porch... for a couple hours... thinking... watching ants... going back inside to break a thing... coming back out and burning random leaves & twigs out of boredom. (I almost forgot to mention he wasn't there because he left early for pizza and a ride with one of those women.) I did confront him and I was so shaken from the whole incident I just wanted to believe things didn't go too far. I wanted to believe he was fucked up because of depression problems he'd been having and didn't want me to know to what extent. 3 and half years and I loved him... I didn't know what to think or what to do. I knew from one conversation I read that there was more than those 2 and he mentioned a name. When I had him remove them from his list, he decided to keep the third "because I realized we were just talking". I made him show me his private chats and from what I had read it didn't look like there was intent there... there wasn't flirting, she had a boyfriend, and it looked like she was talking him out of suicide. I also found out that day that he still secretly kept in contact with both of his "friends". I shut down and had no will to do anything at that moment, I was so disappointed. As time went on, he seemed to be trying to fix things including personal problems of his. I'd still had those trust issues in my head... Certain parts of the conversation I read haunted me.

Well, let's bring things up to last week. I head straight to his house after work to hang out, unsure of when he was suppose to be off work (new job). I'd rarely had the opportunity to snoop since then because he'd either be there or logged out. Anyhow, the business of 'why did he mention her in with the others if things were innoscent?" lingered in my mind. I opened up his facebook. He archived thier conversation as to keep it secret and I knew this. Easy enough to open still, just a few extra steps... turns out things weren't so innoscent. They did more than talk, as a matter of fact they fucked on the second time they hung out and they apparently hung out so many times before I found out about the whole ugly mess 3 montha ago that nobody had a number of times to give. ...so why should I believe it was only then? Well, that enraged me. I snapped his laptop over my knee (seems I apparently only broke the connectors to the broken screen because he'd obviously used it since). I threw some shit around... ripped up his signed foam finger of his favorite band... ripped up a sentimental gift I made for him... grabbed up some shit (mostly mine) and left. No confrontation, just left.

He has still been trying to contact me. I have mostly avoided contact after the first day, but yes... I am bad about keeping my thoughts to myself on the matter. I never initialize contact now and refuse to pick up the phone. Feeling betrayed on so many levels, I can not believe the things he tries to tell me in his pleading. ...so vast were his lies. The anxiety has affected me on a physical level, but a week has gone by and I'm getting better. I don't have a problem sleeping now and it's hard to tell at the moment on my appetite, but my stomache isn't bothering me presently. All week I've been feeling sick when I need food instead of hungry. This makes it really hard to eat much, but I've forced myself to stuff down some vital nutrients. I've also been removing things that are connected to him, gifts/etc. I keep finding things I forget about about... from the painting next to my head when I sleep to a couple mugs in the cabinet. I still have pictures to delete, but I can do that whenever. I don't have to look at them now.

Well that is my (true) story of the week. All I can do now is focus on things that make me happy and move on with my life. I have plans to meet new "friends", but I should probably wait a bit. ...and in case that came out wrong, no I don't know who they are yet.

Fuck your lemons Joe! Get your damn lemons away from me! I wanted berries and you brought me fucking lemons! If you don't keep your damn lemons to yourself I'm gonna shove them so far up your ass you'll be crying lemonade for a month! no, six months! no, a year! You'll have lemonade for tears that will burn your eyes for an entire year and then your eyes will have lemon burns after that, but I don't know long lemon-burns last. Maybe you'll go blind, from the lemons.

Lucid Dreaming

If you know me, maybe you know what I'm about to mention & maybe you don't. Every once in a while during sleepy-time I go through something that I have come to understand is called sleep paralysis. Basically, it is when a person becomes conscious during the part of sleep where limbs are unmovable. Being unable to move legs & arms during sleep is normal, because otherwise people would be flailing about all the time to act out their dreams & potentially hurt themselves. However, becoming aware of it is not quite so common & falls under the catagory of parasomnias. It's not so dangerous as say, sleep-walking, but it can be damn scarey. Some people experience weightlessness & lucid dreaming, but that has not been my experience. What happens is that I am either about to nod off or wake up & in that between-state I notice that I can't move my arms & legs. This is followed by feeling as though my body is being weighted down. First time or few this happened, it scared the shit out of me. I researched & it's still unsettling when it happens, but the fear is less. Even though I have a basic understanding, I still get that feeling like a presence is there dispite the knowledge that I know there is not. Also the fear of being pressed deeper... In any case, I do my best to (literally) shake it off, maybe try to speak. One time I was lucky enough to have someone in the room to snap me out of it. Basically, wake up to being actually awake.

Last night I had a dream, that for a while I wasn't sure was a dream. I was lying in bed, unsure if I was experiencing sleep paralysis of a sort, but it was different than usual. For one thing, I wasn't being weighted at all (possibly lighter, but I wasn't sure). I did have the sleep tingles in my arms, whatever the cause, it's why I can't do anything major with me hands when I first wake up (like writing or gripping heavy things). Anyhow, there was the distinct feeling of a presence. I one point, I even recall pulling my pillow to hold against the invisible force, which was very much there. The whole thing went on for a little while, but there's not much to say about it, since not much happened. I will say however, that I know for a fact this was a dream, at least in part because my pillow was under my head when I woke up. The way everything went, I'm not really positive as to whether or not certain parts of my brain was awake. I questioned how much was a dream as I dreamt it. I can't really say it was all that scarey, at least compared to when I awaken in paralysis-mode, but it was certainly odd.

Jeepers Creepers - Tales of the Past

Alright, so it's late & why not post some old stories of creepers...

If you don't already know, I live in the city. If you don't know where, doesn't really matter, but for arguement's sake SoCal. My old neighborhood was none to great. It wasn't the worst, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to wander around at night by myself.

I remember back on W block... I lived in an apartment complex, locked gates at the front & alley. Anyhow, I was hanging with some friends outside. One of my female friends brings me over to the gate to talk with some guy hanging with his friends out there. I got a very bad vibe off him & I was not pleased with her in the least for telling him who I was and dragging me over there. Well, I forget the name now, but he was basically a self-proclaimed thug. Before asking about my interests and anything else that says to me "I am curious about who you are." He asks if I have a boyfriend (and likely the player lines, I don't recall when was the first time he did this). When the question of relationship status &/or "damn you look fine" comes up before well... absolutely anything else, all this says to me is "I want to fuck you." That NEVER works with me. If anything, it makes me nervous. Anyhow, yeah, I wanted to kill my friend. After that time, I'd seen that guy around on occasion. One of those times was when I was getting out of the pool (probably for the bathroom)... dripping wet in a 2-piece... Daytime, with witnesses, but yeah still nervous (& wondering who left the damn gate unlocked). The last time I remember was when I was walking home from the bus-stop with a male friend of mine (fairly big) who lived next to the apartments. Well, he decided to go off to one of his friend's house instead. About a block & a half, no big deal right? Fuck no, wrong! Go about half a block & across the street I hear that asshole with his pals yelling obscenities about me joining them. It has been long enough to forget exactly what they said, but I can tell you it wasn't polite. I was damned glad I wasn't on their side of the street & they didn't come to me or that probably wouldn't have ended well. I could not get across the intersection (damned cars & no traffic lights) & home quick enough.

Some years later I lived on a different street, but same general neighborhood... There was a main street known for having prositutes (a very long road). I took a bus on that street on a regular basis. I recall a time I was walking home in plain jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. Middle of the day, nobody else on the sidewalk, & I hear "Are you on the job? Do you want to make $100?" from some asshole who just stopped further down on the corner. He repeats it once & I keep walking, pissed but not stupid.

There has been twice that I recall & in 2 places... I don't know if the guys were fucking morons or if I just kept my distance to make things too risky for 'em to try anything. I will just give this advice to you guys. Never hit on a lady from a van, especially with darkened or lacking windows behind the driver's seat. Also, never walk up to someone in a van in which you can not see what is going on in the back. Not only kids & ladies, but guys too. I don't care if they're asking for directions, yell to them.

Why I don't take uber early shifts without a ride... It was a different area than I live now, but it can happen anywhere. It was freezing cold winter. I was walking to the bus in the early pre-dawn morning when I walk past someone with no pants (just a sweatshirt with a hood on their head and hands over the genitals). They weren't threatening, (& although odd) I figured perhaps they got drunk & locked out of thier house or something. To be honest, at that time I couldn't tell if it was a dude or chick. Some time later, same thing. Ok, I'm thinking, "not a coincidence, they've gotta be mental". I start using the next block over for my path to the bus. Some time later, I run into the dude again. Logic dictates that a person might be scared in that situation, but really I was just pissed off. I felt like if he tried anything, I would have beat the shit out of him. Equipped with a cell & spray, once more I ran into the guy. This time he walked & talked (really short, had a beard). In a pathetic almost cartoony voice he said, "I won't hurt you. I just want to be your sex slave." I pull out the pepperspray & not being use to it, my aim was rather terrible. Then he says, "Please don't hurt me. I just want to be your sex slave." He stops following before the end of the block & I knew he wouldn't follow (there was nothing to hide behind on the freeway overpass sidewalk). After that, I had a ride to work.

All true shit. I tend to keep my ass out of trouble. However, sometimes trouble just comes out of nowhere. When that happens, one has to keep their wits about them.

mini-story of the mini-stereo and a mini-hat

Copy-Pasta of a true story of mine, because the first location will get deleted at some point and because not everyone uses that form of social media anyway. One day I felt like listening to music in the livingroom. I don't remember what I was doing in there, doesn't matter (I probably should have left this part out, but it's my story. Fuck you, I'll tell it how I want.). I take my portable stereo into the livingroom, plug it in, put in a cd and attempt to play it. It refuses to work. I open it, remove/replace the cd, close, hit play. Every time the cheeky thing tells me "no". I mean this literally, because it forms the word where the 2 digital track numbers are after it acts like it's trying to work. (Joe was there. He thought that part was funny.) Knowing this cd has worked before, I think "what's different?". Besides that it's in a different room & plugged into a different wall socket, the only difference was a small clip hat I usually leave resting on top of the mini-stereo. I know this has no technical significance, but I get it & put it on the thing anyway. You know what happened next? It played the cd. That electrical bastard just wanted its hat. I laughed so hard. It was a while ago, but I'm pretty sure I had the giggles for at least 20 minutes.

A Guide to Playing With Looney on Team Fortress 2

I don't expect more than a few lurkers will actually read these random typings. Therefore, I seriously doubt revealing anything that is obvious to people who play with me on a regular basis will cause me any trouble in having my ass dominated in-game. In the case that it does give anyone the upper hand, consider me someone who likes a challenge or at least does on some level live up to the self-imposed-title (not name) of being the vintage lunatic.

You could check my game stats simply by looking up my username on steam or in the fug stats... and although it would tell you quite a bit, it doesn't tell you everything there is to know about playing with me. I do like to keep 1 of every weapon, so nothing is set in stone in anything I tell you, but I do have my favorites. My style/strategy changes from time to time based on who/where I play. Also, switching things up is fun as well.

Engie:
If you happened to click either of those links I set there, you'll know my primary class is engineer. If you happen to see an engineer with a pale pink ten gallon hat, chaps with matching fringe, & accompanied by a little bear (or cat), then you are most likely either looking at a spy or me. I do believe in playing friendly with other engies, unless you are not on my team. Either way, I will smack your shit with my wrench. Yes, I do turtle near my sentry, when I'm not using the gunslinger, or scoping out a new location to turtle from. If we are playing friendly/goofy & you don't see any sentries... keep out of the intel room.

My Setup:
~Pomson 6000
~Short Circut or Wrangler (stategy-based)
~#1 Southern Hospitality (great for a bloody mess), #2 gunslinger (better mobility), or #3 Eureka Effect (typically on defense only)

Response translations:
"Yeah, you got 'em all." or "Yup, all our sentries are down." actually means "You missed one." or "You did get 'em all, but I'm a fast builder."
"You missed one." translates to "You got 'em all." or "You missed one, dummy."
"DAMMIT!" means "You were successful." (Not to be confused with a less emotional "dammit" which could mean damn near anything. Also note, this can be applied to any class I use.)

Pyro:
This is a former favorite that use to be #1 for the longest time. I'll play when I'm in the mood to burn things, but there's not much to be said about my stategy. I kinda suck at pyro dodgeball, but I can reflect projectiles now & again. My setup for everything changes regularly, except my secondary is typically shotgun. I'll also play pyro-dressup, but if you see Colonal Sanders trying to fry some chicken asses, that's probably me.

Soldier:
I may have this listed third, but it is one of my primary classes to play. I don't necessarily play wreckless, so much as calculatedly wreckless. My favorite death is taking someone out with me. If I can do this with a taunt on an unaware player, even better. I'll be the one with the purple tyrant's helm. I do know how to rocket-jump, but occasionally, my coordination is a bit lacking. If I giggle over the mic when we both die, that just means I'm having fun.

My Setup:
~Liberty Launcher
~Gunboats
~Equalizer (disiplinary action, pain train, or escape plan may be substituted for stategic purposes)
Also, rocket-jumper/mantreads/equalizer setup I find fun for playing Trolldier, but only when I feel I can pull it off (even if I really can't).

Spai:
Spies are sneaky & a spy that's not, is a dead spy. My primary setup is the Saharan Set. I do enjoy the near-silence of de-cloaking behind my prey, killing them in one hit, & (sometimes) listening to them complain how I scared the crap out of them. Because of this, I also switch watches between lives, to keep people guessing. If dealing with turtle-engineers or razorback-snipers, I'll likely change my setup completely, but I don't think it's consistant enough to bother saying what that setup is. When I'm in the mood, I'll use a french accent over the mic. This includes mocking opponents, bluffing, and French cursing. The real question is which one I am doing at any given time.

Scoot:
I use this when I want to play fast-paced. I can either play 'seriously' or melee-only killing. Melee killing tends to mean I'm experimenting with different setups, but basically I'm mostly running around smacking people with whatever the hell I happen to have in my hand. Serious or not, if I see an unaware sniper (or any class) & I have the right melee weapon, I do feel very compelled to taunt that person back to thier respawn. Also, I wear the old skull.

The "Serious" Setup:
~Force-a-Nature
~Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol (previously Bonk)
~Atomizer

Doktor:
I heal, use blutsauger, ubersaw, & wear the blighted beak with the grimm hatte. What else is there to say?

Snipper:
I have different setups, but I don't often play with a serious one with this class (except, maybe on balloon levels). Huntsman/lemonade/bushwacka is fun enough. I wear the Anger & spy voodoo doll (not really unique, but I like it).

Demo:
I typically use oldschool demoman with random melee. Ocassionally going demo-pirate for shits 'n giggles. Jumper demo on certain maps...

Hoovy:
His fat ass is so slow, I have to be in the mood to play this class. Not much to say... Shoot people or punch them. Wear an iron jaw with random hat or bald. Yup.

Let's Play a Game

I am a gamer and have been ever since I was gifted a Sega Game Gear with Columns. This wasn't the first game I'd played, but it was the first one I played regularly and I now had my own little gaming system in which I could try new games.

The First:
I'm pretty sure the first game I ever played was Tetris at my friend's house on the NES. They also had a Mario game, but it seemed hard & I wasn't really into gaming yet. As you know, this game is for all skill levels, nice & casual. I've found myself playing it on different computers years later. Can anyone argue that this is probably the most successful or at least most well-known & played video game of all time? There have probably been more spin-offs on this game than anything.

The Sega Years:
I started with a Game Gear & later aquired a Genesis. During that time, I'd played many games. My biggest phase of fandom happened to be with the whole Sonic the Hedgehog series. ...or at least everything that came out back then. I even enjoyed the comics & cartoons. I also got started on fighting games with Street Fighter & Mortal Kombat, playing with friends for long periods of time.

N64:
Aside from a few random encounters with games at friends' homes, it wasn't until I got a Nintendo64 that I got into Nintendo games. Mario64, ok fun. Zelda, now that game I got hooked into & have since played bits of the other games (including getting all the way to the end of Twilight Princess on someone else's Wii). Super Smash Bros... More Mortal Kombat... Killer Instinct... Goldeneye! During the Summer I remember spending whole days with friends over, just playing for hours. I suppose that was the first first-person-shooter game. Single player was ok, but multiplayer was always best on that. I can't say I would enjoy it like I use to, unless I could find a player who wouldn't get thier ass kicked sideways, even while I'm holding back. ;o)

I went for a while not interested in the latest/greatest games. Casual is another story, but I'll get back to that.

Wii:
I never had my own (not yet, if I get one later). However, I've spent enough time in front of one, so I thought it worth mentioning. Animal Crossing I find highly addictive. It's relaxing & still fun to just collect all sorts of things. It's pretty much a game about hoarding. I've enjoyed bits of all sorts of other games, but I can't think what else to mention...

Gamecube:
I got one as a present, after it was already old. I have plenty of games, but unfortunately, many have gone unplayed due to pretty much a lack of interest. The top 2 played have been Chibi Robo (aww, cute lil robot) & Animal Crossing... which I lost interest in right around when mom got her own memory card & learned about the perks of playing back & forth between 2 towns. This makes neighbors move around, so I can't keep track on 'em (plus my house was already full from the hoarding).

PS2:
I bought this with Guitar Hero controllers & a few games from a neighbor. I later got Tekken & DDR (plus 'universal' dancepad). This is pretty much my Arcade system. Few games, but mainly used for Guitar Hero. DDR doesn't get played as much as I thought I would. I get hot too soon & the dancepad moves slightly on the carpet, unlike the solid arcade sort.

PC:
I don't find myself sitting in front of console games so much anymore. For starters, they require the tv. This means somebody else can't be using it. The first games I'd played were simple casual games... puzzles, tetris clones, etc. One that I really got addicted to was called "Slay". This was a simple strategy game that used the simplest of sprites. It was probably an indie game... Anyhow, it was a game about conquering all the hexigons on the screen that represent land. It was completely strategy, no animations of "slaying" or anything. I've never much liked other land-conquiring games, but I like that one. Presently, I'm a steam-user & my main two games are Team Fortress & Portal. More specifically #2 on both of those. Portal is unique, so I like. TF2, is online multiplayer fps, which features item hoarding, & characters with character.

The Sad Alien Dream

I had a bit of an odd dream last night. Technically, in the morning, because it made me sad when I woke up. I don't remember names or faces in the dream, so I don't suppose the meaning of it actually has to do with the people around me in life.

Anyhow, in this dream there are aliens and they take over society, because of their superiority in technology & physicality. There was chaos and people were taken as test subjects, separated from their lives and the people they once knew. Perhaps some in a catatonic stasis. I remember something about mixing genetics between the humans for breeding or experimenting. Later I remember being relatively free to roam around. They still ruled, but the humans were more like servants or rats, rather than being stuck in some cell or capsule. A lot of time must have passed, I'm not sure how much or if I was awake for all of it. Anyhow, I was in search of my love that I had become separated from when the aliens came. I found a friend during this time & talked (I don't remember more on that). We parted and eventually, I found my love. Unfortunately, this was not a happy time, because he had moved on after we got lost. He had a wife & kids, 3 I believe, blond. (There are some gaps in memory...) I think it was sometime after this that I did some sneaky tactics against the aliens, during their sleep. I think I had allies with me, but I can't remember more details there.

The strangest part of this dream for me was the whole aliens part. I don't know if I've EVER dreamed about aliens before. The thing I'm thinking now is that maybe this has to do with that Polybius game. Heck, I didn't even believe everything about that crazy shit about the legend behind it. I may consciously see that crap flashing on the screen, but things go so fast I can't make most of it out. It's not just words either... Maybe it did get into my subconscious. Anyhow, that wasn't my first thought about the dream. My first thoughts were along the lines of "boohoo" & "stop thinking about it, it was just a dream".

The Spy of my Dreams

I have a friend who has told me to dream of dead spies on more than one occasion (after a night of playing TF2 & then going to sleep), so in that sense this dream is ironic. The night before last, I had a dream that I was a spy.

I forgot details... of course, that always happens. Anyhow, I remember I was causing some trouble, as all good spies do. Someone I caused trouble for enlisted a pyro's help to scope me out, after I turned invisible. Being in hot-water there (minus the water), I decided it was of the utmost importance to hide. I found a men's restroom & decided to hide out there for a bit, until the heat was off. It was a big one with stalls & such. Also, it was empty of people. I disguised as an enemy demoman, so that anyone who might have come in there wouldn't immediately alert their team to my location. I scoped out the large room. There was an open doorway. I hadn't left, but there was a lady out there who decided to chat me up. I don't remember what class she was, but I got the feeling she thought I was attractive. Of course, being of the opposite team, I wanted her gone. However, I also had to play the part of 'charming' mr. demoman to keep suspicions off. I really wanted her gone, because by this time I had to pee & being as how I wasn't really a guy, faking something so basic might prove difficult.

I don't recall anything further in the dream. Usually the urine-dreams are because I need to wake up and go do it, but not so in this one. I haven't thought about interpretations for this dream, only that the ironies with it make it slightly funny.

Steam Makes Me Steamed

Mmmk, maybe I'm not completely pissed, but definitely irritating. Aside from the programmers that keep things running... In general, the people that run steam really irritate the shit out of me. Why the fuck do they have a contact catagory for "suggestions"? I didn't contact them with my suggestion in "other" or "miscellanious". Finally someone replied, basically telling me they don't take suggestions, go post that shit on a forum and maybe someone will read it. So again, WHY IS THERE A CATAGORY FOR SUGGESTIONS??

https://support.steampowered.com/view.php?ticketref=9192-TSZB-3102


I've contacted these people before for actual Tech-support, but whoever replies doesn't necessarily know what the fuck they are replying to. First, I must mention, it takes Valve about a week, give or take a couple days, to even respond to a question/statement.

First time, I was having trouble with TF2 crashing whenever I snap a screenshot via the built-in F12. They seemed to be trying at first, but the last response seemed to me like "Hmm, I'm stumped. I'll cut & paste a general suggestion to fix your problem." Maybe it's my fault I still have the problem for ignoring that last one, I don't know, but it seemed to me like filler to waste my time. (Note: I have since learned that crashes don't happen while out of 'game-mode' i.e. items screen.)

The second time, it was actually 2 days after reporting the first issue and before I got any response to that. There were many visual errors happening at the time, more than usual. 8 days later... They told me to send screenshots.

(Note: There are still glitches. However, they are less often and are caused by Steam sending information to the players, not an individual player's computer. "Tech Derrick" should have known this.)


In short, do research yourself and ask trusted friends for help. This will get better, faster results than directly contacting Steam. Also, be cautious with forums... anywhere.

Recipe for Pumpkin Cookies

In an effort to avoid typing this repeatedly for the future. I'm putting this recipe in my blog, which can easily be referenced to by link.

Ingredients:
1 cup vegetable shortening
1 cup sugar
1 cup pumpkin (fresh)
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)

Prep part 1:
I typically make this as a double batch as I tend to have plenty of pumpkin to use. For the pumpkin, you'll want fresh. Originally I used chunks of Halloween pumpkin in a food processor. However, jack-o-lanterns are rarely suitable for consumption after they've been sitting out for a while. I've also moved on to an easier method of preparation... 1 smaller "pie pumpkin" gives about 2 cups. To prepare, cut it in half, scoop out the innards, place open side down on a cookie sheet and bake around 350 degrees for 20 to 30 minutes. If you can scoop out the pumpkin, it's ready. If not, bake another 5 minutes. When it's ready, scoop into a bowl, mash, and measure for the recipe. If you use canned pumpkin, I'll not be held responsible for the quality of your cookies.

Prep part 2:
Preheat oven 350 degrees. Melt the shortening for easier measuring and mixing (glass in the microwave works well). Add and stir all the ingredients into a big bowl. It's best to start from the top of the list and work your way down adding 1 or 2 things, but basically, if you blend it perfectly, who cares what order you use. For nuts, walnuts work well or you can omit the nuts all together if you don't like them. Grease a cookie sheet. (If you used your cookie sheet for pumpkin preparation, clean it first.) Drop spoonfuls a couple inches apart. Sprinkle on cinnamon/sugar, if desired. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes. They will be soft. Test with a toothpick to confirm that they are done (poke into a cookie & when it comes out easily/clean it's ready). Cool on a wire rack, eat, and store in a covered container to keep moist and fresh.

How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

The first part was from an email. I didn't think the list was long enough. Enjoy. ;o)


How to Maintain A
Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling  'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE
COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

15. Pick a day to act these out. Choose 5 of your favorites. Get a friend to record it.  Do all 14, then you will have a series that you can upload to youtube. (yh)

(Loon's additions...)
16. Plan a surprise party for yourself.
17. Paint a stop-sign green.
18. Chop up some really hot chilis and add them to a container of "mild" salsa before sharing it with friends.
19. Go to a dollar store, grab a bunch of things, and ask how much each item is.
20. Hunt down an icecream truck and order hot chocolate.
21. Send an email to each person at your company, saying "I know what you did last week. How much are you willing to pay for my silence?". Then see who responds.
22. Write a ticket for speeding on notepad, tear it out, and leave it on a parked car.
23. Make a sign for "FREE BEER: limit 1" then charge $50 admission.
24. When you visit a yard sale, ask how much the yard is. When they say it's not for sale, make an offer.
25. Take gold nuggets to the supermarket and try to buy groceries.
26. Call out to a lost pet in front of a butcher shop.