If you'd like to check me old site out in it's full glory before it goes out...
www.geocities.com/looney_tik
The intro:
These are jokes that I have found on the web and/or have heard from friends, so I decided that I shall share them with you. I warn you that they are not all clean. I am not to be held responsible for what may happen to you as a result of you telling these jokes to other people. If you agree with all of the above, then proceed with caution and prepare to laugh your pants off (and don't forget to pull em back up before someone sees you). If you don't agree, you probably have no sense of humor anyhow, and you should stop right here and click the back button on your browser. If you're still reading, then continue to do so til you laugh so hard it hurts or til there is nothin left to read.My Momma Told Me Not Too
This first one is a really old one for me. I heard it in elementary school, but people I tell it to still seem to enjoy it. Btw, it is dirty.Once there was a girl who really liked cookies and would do nearly anything to get them, but she also was a good girl who would do what her mother told her to. There was also a boy who liked this girl. Well one day, the boy asks "would you walk me home?" so the girl replied "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." so he said "I'll give you a cookie" so she says "ok." after school the girl walks with the boy to his house. Once they get there the boy asks "would you like to come inside?" so the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." then the boy said "I'll give you five cookies" so she says "ok." So then they go into the house and the boy asks her "would you like to see my room?" so once again the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." the boy then says "I'll give you 10 cookies" so again the girl says "ok." Once they are in the room the boys asks "could you close the door please" the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." The boy says " i'll give you 20 cookies." once again she agrees with an "ok." After the door is closed the boy gets on the bed and asks the girl "will you take your clothes off" so she replies (you should know by now, but I'll say it anyway) "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." So he says "I'll give you 50 cookies" so she says "ok." The next he asks her to "get on top of me" so once again she says "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." He then says "I'll give you 100 cookies" so she says "ok." She gets on him and then the boy's father comes in and says "get off of my son!" the girl then replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to."
An Unforgettable Dinner
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, and 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms, because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes the purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone is eating. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He then leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."Poor Monkey
A Guy with a monkey walks into a bar. The guy orders a drink while the monkey crawls around the bar putting things in his mouth. The bartender says "hey aren't you gonna watch that monkey, hes putting things in his mouth?" The guy just says, "he always does that." The monkey swallows a pool ball. And the bartender says, "did you see your monkey? He just swallowed a pool ball!" The guy replies, "he is always swallowing things. I will pay for the ball and anything else he swallows." A week later the guy with the monkey returns to the bar. Again the monkey is running all over the place. Then the monkey takes a cherry from someone's drink and sticks it in his butt. The bartender says, "Did you see that? Your monkey just stuck a cherry in his butt!" The guy then says, "ya, ever since that poolball, hes been putting everything in his butt."Can Shooting
Once there was a man who had just bought a brand new gun for himself. Because of this, he decided to practice at a shooting range. There was one problem though. This range required a membership and the membership cost to much money for the man. So the man asked, "I need to practice using this thing. What am I suppose to do? I can't afford the crazy price of membership here." In reply to the man, a member said to him "Well, you can shoot cans. Nothin wrong with shootin cans. It's good practice." A week goes by and a police officer is going around to every house to warn everyone that there is a psychopath that has been going around shooting people and also to find out if anyone has any information that would lead the the whereabouts of this killer. Well, after a while of getting nowhere, the officer stopped by the man's house. He tells the man the same details that he has told the people before him, and asks him many questions. Then the cop asked the man, "do you know of anyone who owns a gun?" That's when the man replied, "Well, I bought one about a week ago, but I don't know of anyone else who has one though." The next question the cop asked was, "Have you ever used the gun?" So, the man said, "Only when I practice shooting cans. I was a little reluctant to try this at first, but I was told that it was ok, so I've shot lots and lots of cans and I'm getting pretty good at it. It's hard to shoot em when they move so much though." the officer asked "Move? How do cans move?" So the guy replied "Of course they can move. I've been shooting Mexicans, Americans, Africans, Jamaicans, oh ya and also Canadians."A Great Operation
This one was sent to me from Dickies. He wasn't the only one to respond to my site, but he was the only one to send in a joke for it.This 47 yr old woman has just had a facial and a few other beauty operations and is feeling pretty impressed with the result anyway she decides to go and gets a new dress to go with her new look and asks the lady at the dress shop counter how old she thinks the lady is , so the lady at the counter say's ooh about 34-35 and the woman says "well actually I'm 47 so feeling really happy she had this operation she walks out and feels hungry so she goes to McDonalds to get some food. When she get's her food just out of interest she asks the man behind the counter at McDonalds how old he thinks she is. So the guy says "mmm about 30-32 and the lady says "well actually I'm 47. So after this day she goes to the bus stop to catch the bus home and she sees this old man sitting away a bit and she ask's him how old he thinks she is and the man says "well there's only one surefire way I can tell how old you are and that is to let me put my hands down your pants" so the lady looks around to see if anyone is around notices that no one is around so she tells the man he can put his hand down her pants. The old man has a really good feel around says "you are 47" stunned the lady says "how did you do that" and the man replies "I was behind you in the line at McDonalds".
Looking for Mail
There was a guy that had just moved into a new house. He was buisy moving his funiture into his house, when a lady came out of the house next door. She walk up to her mailbox, looked inside and went back into her house. A few minutes later she comes back out, looks in the mailbox again, then closes it & looking very irritated, walks back into her home. The guy thinks this is a little strange, so he waits to see what happens next. And yet again, the same lady walks back out, goes over to the mailbox, looks inside, then slams it. The guy asks her, "Is there a problem?" She says, "You're damn right there is. My computer keeps saying 'You got mail'!"That's it for those jokes. Come to think of it, I can think up more good ones from emails of whatever. Perhaps I'll make another blog post sometime later.
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