The first part was from an email. I didn't think the list was long enough. Enjoy. ;o)
How to Maintain A
Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE
COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
15. Pick a day to act these out. Choose 5 of your favorites. Get a friend to record it. Do all 14, then you will have a series that you can upload to youtube. (yh)
(Loon's additions...)
16. Plan a surprise party for yourself.
17. Paint a stop-sign green.
18. Chop up some really hot chilis and add them to a container of "mild" salsa before sharing it with friends.
19. Go to a dollar store, grab a bunch of things, and ask how much each item is.
20. Hunt down an icecream truck and order hot chocolate.
21. Send an email to each person at your company, saying "I know what you did last week. How much are you willing to pay for my silence?". Then see who responds.
22. Write a ticket for speeding on notepad, tear it out, and leave it on a parked car.
23. Make a sign for "FREE BEER: limit 1" then charge $50 admission.
24. When you visit a yard sale, ask how much the yard is. When they say it's not for sale, make an offer.
25. Take gold nuggets to the supermarket and try to buy groceries.
26. Call out to a lost pet in front of a butcher shop.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Saving "The Insanitarium" Part 5: Left Behind...
(see previous blogs, parts 1-4)
Well, I can't put it all up here, so I'll just add commentry on what's dying on The Insanitarium or else placed elsewhere...
My Wicked Clowns Pages...
I thought it would be interesting to make a few pages of that at the time. Perhaps not a huge interest to the general populace, but I was happy with it and so was the Juggalos & Juggalettes who ventured onto my site. Some liked to give a shout out, so I know they were there. ;o) 1 page for ICP (& the 6 joker's cards), 1 page for comics (The Joker, Harley Quinn, "Clown" aka Violator, & Deadpool ...don't ask), & one page tv/movies (Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Pennywise, Harry the Hypnotist, & Homey D Clown)
"Do not click"
A page with a crapload of javascripts... very annoying, if you don't know how to get around it. Also funny.
Some fan pages I forgot about... blah. Who needs 'em anyway?
Silly pics... I didn't exactly create/shoot them anyway.
Short Storys...
Death by Sword, it is part of my ninja book.
Lyrics to a couple song stories, Boogie Woogie Wu & The Cat Came Back. (I'm tempted at putting one in another blog)
An email story of Nike refusing "sweatshop" on a pair of custom shoes.
Food tips & recipes.
Page for my cats...
Artwork ...might toss 'em in my images on myspace.
"Me" page ...like I don't have enough profiles online. That won't be missed.
Guestbooks...
Being for and of the site, they die when it does. ah... c'est la vie.
Random links placed randomly or on the links page... Here are my top 3:
ninjaburger
find the spam
insanity test
My "secret" page
Hidden text-images on a lesser-noticed link (highlight & they appear). Nobody commented, so maybe nobody saw them? ...except maybe the gator face, since the blue square is missing! The potted flower was awesome.
And then of course random commentary, backgrounds, and colors all over the place.
RIP my old website. I'm surprised you haven't passed sooner.
Well, I can't put it all up here, so I'll just add commentry on what's dying on The Insanitarium or else placed elsewhere...
My Wicked Clowns Pages...
I thought it would be interesting to make a few pages of that at the time. Perhaps not a huge interest to the general populace, but I was happy with it and so was the Juggalos & Juggalettes who ventured onto my site. Some liked to give a shout out, so I know they were there. ;o) 1 page for ICP (& the 6 joker's cards), 1 page for comics (The Joker, Harley Quinn, "Clown" aka Violator, & Deadpool ...don't ask), & one page tv/movies (Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Pennywise, Harry the Hypnotist, & Homey D Clown)
"Do not click"
A page with a crapload of javascripts... very annoying, if you don't know how to get around it. Also funny.
Some fan pages I forgot about... blah. Who needs 'em anyway?
Silly pics... I didn't exactly create/shoot them anyway.
Short Storys...
Death by Sword, it is part of my ninja book.
Lyrics to a couple song stories, Boogie Woogie Wu & The Cat Came Back. (I'm tempted at putting one in another blog)
An email story of Nike refusing "sweatshop" on a pair of custom shoes.
Food tips & recipes.
Page for my cats...
Artwork ...might toss 'em in my images on myspace.
"Me" page ...like I don't have enough profiles online. That won't be missed.
Guestbooks...
Being for and of the site, they die when it does. ah... c'est la vie.
Random links placed randomly or on the links page... Here are my top 3:
ninjaburger
find the spam
insanity test
My "secret" page
Hidden text-images on a lesser-noticed link (highlight & they appear). Nobody commented, so maybe nobody saw them? ...except maybe the gator face, since the blue square is missing! The potted flower was awesome.
And then of course random commentary, backgrounds, and colors all over the place.
RIP my old website. I'm surprised you haven't passed sooner.
Saving "The Insanitarium" Part 4: Play With Words
(see previous blogs)
This was just a bunch of words that I had to comment about because whoever came up with these words and expressions are obviously messed up in the head. These are the people that make English so confusing to people who are trying to learn it (and some who were born hearing nothin but this language). ...Or maybe I just think differently from everyone else. Well, you decide. };o)
Alien: Do illegal aliens come from Venus, Mars, or Saturn?
Baby shower: Baby showers are bad, cuz babies are suppose to have bathes.
Beanie baby: What do the beans from a beanie baby taste like?
Book shelf: Have you ever seen a shelf made out of books?
Bridal shower: Do you bring shampoo and soap to a bridal shower?
Bright & Dim: Light bulbs are like people, some are bright & others are dim.
Busy as a bee: If someone is busy as a bee, where do they get and put all the pollen?
Catfish: Why don't catfish have fur or meow?
Cat bugler: Thiefs are often call catburglers, but I never knew that cats were capable of such burglarys.
Coconut: Where do they get their name from? They aren't nuts & they don't taste like coco.
Coffee table: How do you make a table from a beverage?
Dragon: Dragons must ramble a lot, cuz their conversations drag on & on & on...
Dump: Its mean to dump someone, cuz people aren’t things to be thrown away in the garbage. They have emotions, feelings, and a nose that can smell that garbage.
Fish bowl: Have you ever seen a fish bowl? I bet it would look funny cuz I never saw bowling balls in their size and how would they hold the ball? They have no fingers, just fins.
Fireflies: If fireflies and houseflies had babies, we couldn’t have houses made of wood.
Fly: Why are zippers called flies? They don't have wings.
Goldfish: Why are goldfish orange?
Guinea pig: Can you make bacon from a guinea pig?
Hamster: Do hamsters really taste like ham?
Head over heals: When someone is crazy over something, that person is considered head over heals for it, but having your head above your feet is suppose to be normal.
Hotdog: Have you ever heard a hotdog bark?
Housefly: Have you ever seen a house fly? Do they have wings or propellers hidden somewhere?
Rainbow: Have you ever untied a rainbow?
Salad bar: What do vegetables drink at salad bars?
Smell: If garbage smells, where's the nose at?
Stump: Trees must not be too smart, cuz they are easy to stump.
Sunflower: Do sunflowers give off light?
Take a dump: Taking a dump is disgusting, you're suppose to leave it.
Woody: What the heck does this have to do with a tree?
My smartassedness cannot be contained on one page (or even one huge website for that matter). To get a bigger dose, you'd have to know me on a day-to-day basis. This was but the word commentry I could come up with at the time.
This was just a bunch of words that I had to comment about because whoever came up with these words and expressions are obviously messed up in the head. These are the people that make English so confusing to people who are trying to learn it (and some who were born hearing nothin but this language). ...Or maybe I just think differently from everyone else. Well, you decide. };o)
Alien: Do illegal aliens come from Venus, Mars, or Saturn?
Baby shower: Baby showers are bad, cuz babies are suppose to have bathes.
Beanie baby: What do the beans from a beanie baby taste like?
Book shelf: Have you ever seen a shelf made out of books?
Bridal shower: Do you bring shampoo and soap to a bridal shower?
Bright & Dim: Light bulbs are like people, some are bright & others are dim.
Busy as a bee: If someone is busy as a bee, where do they get and put all the pollen?
Catfish: Why don't catfish have fur or meow?
Cat bugler: Thiefs are often call catburglers, but I never knew that cats were capable of such burglarys.
Coconut: Where do they get their name from? They aren't nuts & they don't taste like coco.
Coffee table: How do you make a table from a beverage?
Dragon: Dragons must ramble a lot, cuz their conversations drag on & on & on...
Dump: Its mean to dump someone, cuz people aren’t things to be thrown away in the garbage. They have emotions, feelings, and a nose that can smell that garbage.
Fish bowl: Have you ever seen a fish bowl? I bet it would look funny cuz I never saw bowling balls in their size and how would they hold the ball? They have no fingers, just fins.
Fireflies: If fireflies and houseflies had babies, we couldn’t have houses made of wood.
Fly: Why are zippers called flies? They don't have wings.
Goldfish: Why are goldfish orange?
Guinea pig: Can you make bacon from a guinea pig?
Hamster: Do hamsters really taste like ham?
Head over heals: When someone is crazy over something, that person is considered head over heals for it, but having your head above your feet is suppose to be normal.
Hotdog: Have you ever heard a hotdog bark?
Housefly: Have you ever seen a house fly? Do they have wings or propellers hidden somewhere?
Rainbow: Have you ever untied a rainbow?
Salad bar: What do vegetables drink at salad bars?
Smell: If garbage smells, where's the nose at?
Stump: Trees must not be too smart, cuz they are easy to stump.
Sunflower: Do sunflowers give off light?
Take a dump: Taking a dump is disgusting, you're suppose to leave it.
Woody: What the heck does this have to do with a tree?
My smartassedness cannot be contained on one page (or even one huge website for that matter). To get a bigger dose, you'd have to know me on a day-to-day basis. This was but the word commentry I could come up with at the time.
Saving "The Insanitarium" Part 3: Knock-em-downs
More cut-paste-edits... (see previous 2 blogs) This one is the insults aka knock-downs. After making the page of pick-up lines it just seemed natural to offer a remedy for those who hate those cheesy pick-up lines and/or the people who use them. Remember, I cannot be held accountable for what may happen if you repeat anything you read here.
That pickup line is so lame it needs crutches.
Oh ya you're hot, that's why you got burned.
I can't go out with you for medical reason's, cuz you make me sick.
You want me to touch what? You want that thing left in tact?
Take you? Where? I've got no car & you're out of money.
Oh, I could never forget you, . . . no matter how hard I try.
I know why it is called a blind date. Cuz now that I've seen you, I wish I was blind.
We sure have a pretty weird relationship. I'm pretty & you're weird.
I sure did enjoy myself. I didn't enjoy you though.
You couldn't sweep me off my feet with a large broom.
Ya I dream about you too, but in mine they are nightmares.
You won't be wearing much huh? So what will you be wearing, A flea collar?
Oh ya you're dark & handsome, it'd have to be dark for you to look handsome.
This relationship does look to be hot & heavy. I look hot & you look heavy.
"What are you doing tomorrow night?" Trying to forget you asked me that.
"You wanna get lucky?" Well, You'd have to be lucky for that to ever happen.
I think I will change my sex now.
You must have confused me with someone who is paying attention.
You couldn't get a bone in a butcher shop.
...You got hit by a parked car.
...You tripped over a cordless phone.
...You think a hot meal is stolen food.
...When I said it's chili outside, you went and got a bowl.
...When I said the drinks were on the house, you asked me for a ladder.
...You think Hamburger Helper is a cow that does housework.
...You had to climb over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
...You thought Meow Mix was a song from the musical Cats.
...You got locked in a grocery store & starved.
...You got locked in a furniture store & slept on the floor.
...You bought a solar powered flashlight.
...You'd have to be twice as smart, just to be a half-wit.
...You'd have to study just to be stupid.
...You flunked recess.
...If your mind ever wanders off you don't have to worry, cuz it's too weak to get far.
...You think serial killers are people who poison cocoa puffs.
...You would study all night for a blood test.
...You use toothpaste to fix broken teeth.
...You went to a restaurant to get sleep.
...You thought Mtv was between Ltv and Ntv.
...You got stopped for walking at a no pedristian crossing and said to the officer, "I'm not a pedestian, I'm Catholic."
You're like a 7/11, Always found on street corners, open 24/7, & Slurpees are $1.65.
I really want to kick your face in , but why should I improve your looks? (from Dickies)
When your mom stuck your face out the window she got arrested for mooning. (Dickies again)
If I remember correctly, the knock-downs page actually had the highest hits (after the homepage), back when the site actually got visitors. Apparently, people love saucy insults. haha! Too bad on the coloring. Although, it would be nice to have the black, blue, & red all over for these, I don't think that would be good coloring for my overall blog. };o)
That pickup line is so lame it needs crutches.
Oh ya you're hot, that's why you got burned.
I can't go out with you for medical reason's, cuz you make me sick.
You want me to touch what? You want that thing left in tact?
Take you? Where? I've got no car & you're out of money.
Oh, I could never forget you, . . . no matter how hard I try.
I know why it is called a blind date. Cuz now that I've seen you, I wish I was blind.
We sure have a pretty weird relationship. I'm pretty & you're weird.
I sure did enjoy myself. I didn't enjoy you though.
You couldn't sweep me off my feet with a large broom.
Ya I dream about you too, but in mine they are nightmares.
You won't be wearing much huh? So what will you be wearing, A flea collar?
Oh ya you're dark & handsome, it'd have to be dark for you to look handsome.
This relationship does look to be hot & heavy. I look hot & you look heavy.
"What are you doing tomorrow night?" Trying to forget you asked me that.
"You wanna get lucky?" Well, You'd have to be lucky for that to ever happen.
I think I will change my sex now.
You must have confused me with someone who is paying attention.
You couldn't get a bone in a butcher shop.
Other insults:
You're so dumb......You got hit by a parked car.
...You tripped over a cordless phone.
...You think a hot meal is stolen food.
...When I said it's chili outside, you went and got a bowl.
...When I said the drinks were on the house, you asked me for a ladder.
...You think Hamburger Helper is a cow that does housework.
...You had to climb over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
...You thought Meow Mix was a song from the musical Cats.
...You got locked in a grocery store & starved.
...You got locked in a furniture store & slept on the floor.
...You bought a solar powered flashlight.
...You'd have to be twice as smart, just to be a half-wit.
...You'd have to study just to be stupid.
...You flunked recess.
...If your mind ever wanders off you don't have to worry, cuz it's too weak to get far.
...You think serial killers are people who poison cocoa puffs.
...You would study all night for a blood test.
...You use toothpaste to fix broken teeth.
...You went to a restaurant to get sleep.
...You thought Mtv was between Ltv and Ntv.
...You got stopped for walking at a no pedristian crossing and said to the officer, "I'm not a pedestian, I'm Catholic."
You're like a 7/11, Always found on street corners, open 24/7, & Slurpees are $1.65.
I really want to kick your face in , but why should I improve your looks? (from Dickies)
When your mom stuck your face out the window she got arrested for mooning. (Dickies again)
If I remember correctly, the knock-downs page actually had the highest hits (after the homepage), back when the site actually got visitors. Apparently, people love saucy insults. haha! Too bad on the coloring. Although, it would be nice to have the black, blue, & red all over for these, I don't think that would be good coloring for my overall blog. };o)
Saving "The Insanitarium" Part 2: Pick-em-ups
These are pickup lines from my old site (see previous blog). Some of them are good. Some of them are bad, very very bad. You've probably heard some of them before, but I figured it'd be fun to make a page of 'em anyway. Some I was given to add on here, some I stole. (I can't remember who all said what & I doubt they can either). Btw, don't blame me if you get smacked in the face from using em. I didn't say anything about them actually working. Remember you have been warned, now go read. };o)
Did it hurt? “Did What hurt?” When you fell down from heaven?
If I said that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Call me milk, cuz I’ll do your body good.
You must be a Visa, cuz you’re everywhere I want to be.
Do you like movies? “Ya.” How about we go make a porno?
That outfit looks very becoming on you. Then again, if I were on you, I’d be coming too.
Are you tired? “Why?” Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day.
You and me baby ain’t nothin but mammals, so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel.
You must be from Jupiter, cuz baby you are out of this world!
The older the grapes, the finer the wine.(to someone older)
Is there a mirror in your pants, cuz I can see myself in em.
How about you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
You must know magic, cuz you put a spell on me.
Mind if I lick your blow pop?
Can I get a taste of your cotton candy?
You’ve been bad, goto my room.
*Yawn* I’m sleepy, so I think I should goto bed now. Wanna join me?
I lost my number, can I have yours?
If I could rearange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
I can no longer live, cuz you’ve stolen my heart.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
Wanna play 68? You go down & I'll owe you one.
Nice boots, they'd look good under my bed.
Your parents must be retarded, cause damn, you are so special.
Hey baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first!
Would you like to dance? “No, not really” Oh, you must have misunderstood me, I said 'you look fat in those pants.'
How would you like 77? “Why?” Cuz you get 8 more. (read out loud)
Did it hurt? “Did What hurt?” When you fell down from heaven?
If I said that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Call me milk, cuz I’ll do your body good.
You must be a Visa, cuz you’re everywhere I want to be.
Do you like movies? “Ya.” How about we go make a porno?
That outfit looks very becoming on you. Then again, if I were on you, I’d be coming too.
Are you tired? “Why?” Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day.
You and me baby ain’t nothin but mammals, so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel.
You must be from Jupiter, cuz baby you are out of this world!
The older the grapes, the finer the wine.(to someone older)
Is there a mirror in your pants, cuz I can see myself in em.
How about you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
You must know magic, cuz you put a spell on me.
Mind if I lick your blow pop?
Can I get a taste of your cotton candy?
You’ve been bad, goto my room.
*Yawn* I’m sleepy, so I think I should goto bed now. Wanna join me?
I lost my number, can I have yours?
If I could rearange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
I can no longer live, cuz you’ve stolen my heart.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
Wanna play 68? You go down & I'll owe you one.
Nice boots, they'd look good under my bed.
Your parents must be retarded, cause damn, you are so special.
Hey baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first!
Would you like to dance? “No, not really” Oh, you must have misunderstood me, I said 'you look fat in those pants.'
How would you like 77? “Why?” Cuz you get 8 more. (read out loud)
Saving "The Insanitarium" Part 1: Old Jokes
Well, with the warning that my website host is going down in a couple months (October sometime), I suppose I ought to save some of my better stuff somewhere. I know the loss isn't huge (apparently I've not updated the site in over 3 years), but there is some fun stuff I'll probably miss if I do nothing & let it die completely.
If you'd like to check me old site out in it's full glory before it goes out...
www.geocities.com/looney_tik
Once there was a girl who really liked cookies and would do nearly anything to get them, but she also was a good girl who would do what her mother told her to. There was also a boy who liked this girl. Well one day, the boy asks "would you walk me home?" so the girl replied "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." so he said "I'll give you a cookie" so she says "ok." after school the girl walks with the boy to his house. Once they get there the boy asks "would you like to come inside?" so the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." then the boy said "I'll give you five cookies" so she says "ok." So then they go into the house and the boy asks her "would you like to see my room?" so once again the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." the boy then says "I'll give you 10 cookies" so again the girl says "ok." Once they are in the room the boys asks "could you close the door please" the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." The boy says " i'll give you 20 cookies." once again she agrees with an "ok." After the door is closed the boy gets on the bed and asks the girl "will you take your clothes off" so she replies (you should know by now, but I'll say it anyway) "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." So he says "I'll give you 50 cookies" so she says "ok." The next he asks her to "get on top of me" so once again she says "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." He then says "I'll give you 100 cookies" so she says "ok." She gets on him and then the boy's father comes in and says "get off of my son!" the girl then replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to."
This 47 yr old woman has just had a facial and a few other beauty operations and is feeling pretty impressed with the result anyway she decides to go and gets a new dress to go with her new look and asks the lady at the dress shop counter how old she thinks the lady is , so the lady at the counter say's ooh about 34-35 and the woman says "well actually I'm 47 so feeling really happy she had this operation she walks out and feels hungry so she goes to McDonalds to get some food. When she get's her food just out of interest she asks the man behind the counter at McDonalds how old he thinks she is. So the guy says "mmm about 30-32 and the lady says "well actually I'm 47. So after this day she goes to the bus stop to catch the bus home and she sees this old man sitting away a bit and she ask's him how old he thinks she is and the man says "well there's only one surefire way I can tell how old you are and that is to let me put my hands down your pants" so the lady looks around to see if anyone is around notices that no one is around so she tells the man he can put his hand down her pants. The old man has a really good feel around says "you are 47" stunned the lady says "how did you do that" and the man replies "I was behind you in the line at McDonalds".
That's it for those jokes. Come to think of it, I can think up more good ones from emails of whatever. Perhaps I'll make another blog post sometime later.
If you'd like to check me old site out in it's full glory before it goes out...
www.geocities.com/looney_tik
The intro:
These are jokes that I have found on the web and/or have heard from friends, so I decided that I shall share them with you. I warn you that they are not all clean. I am not to be held responsible for what may happen to you as a result of you telling these jokes to other people. If you agree with all of the above, then proceed with caution and prepare to laugh your pants off (and don't forget to pull em back up before someone sees you). If you don't agree, you probably have no sense of humor anyhow, and you should stop right here and click the back button on your browser. If you're still reading, then continue to do so til you laugh so hard it hurts or til there is nothin left to read.My Momma Told Me Not Too
This first one is a really old one for me. I heard it in elementary school, but people I tell it to still seem to enjoy it. Btw, it is dirty.Once there was a girl who really liked cookies and would do nearly anything to get them, but she also was a good girl who would do what her mother told her to. There was also a boy who liked this girl. Well one day, the boy asks "would you walk me home?" so the girl replied "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." so he said "I'll give you a cookie" so she says "ok." after school the girl walks with the boy to his house. Once they get there the boy asks "would you like to come inside?" so the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." then the boy said "I'll give you five cookies" so she says "ok." So then they go into the house and the boy asks her "would you like to see my room?" so once again the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." the boy then says "I'll give you 10 cookies" so again the girl says "ok." Once they are in the room the boys asks "could you close the door please" the girl replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." The boy says " i'll give you 20 cookies." once again she agrees with an "ok." After the door is closed the boy gets on the bed and asks the girl "will you take your clothes off" so she replies (you should know by now, but I'll say it anyway) "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." So he says "I'll give you 50 cookies" so she says "ok." The next he asks her to "get on top of me" so once again she says "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to." He then says "I'll give you 100 cookies" so she says "ok." She gets on him and then the boy's father comes in and says "get off of my son!" the girl then replies "my momma told me not to, so I don't think I want to."
An Unforgettable Dinner
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, and 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms, because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes the purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone is eating. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He then leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."Poor Monkey
A Guy with a monkey walks into a bar. The guy orders a drink while the monkey crawls around the bar putting things in his mouth. The bartender says "hey aren't you gonna watch that monkey, hes putting things in his mouth?" The guy just says, "he always does that." The monkey swallows a pool ball. And the bartender says, "did you see your monkey? He just swallowed a pool ball!" The guy replies, "he is always swallowing things. I will pay for the ball and anything else he swallows." A week later the guy with the monkey returns to the bar. Again the monkey is running all over the place. Then the monkey takes a cherry from someone's drink and sticks it in his butt. The bartender says, "Did you see that? Your monkey just stuck a cherry in his butt!" The guy then says, "ya, ever since that poolball, hes been putting everything in his butt."Can Shooting
Once there was a man who had just bought a brand new gun for himself. Because of this, he decided to practice at a shooting range. There was one problem though. This range required a membership and the membership cost to much money for the man. So the man asked, "I need to practice using this thing. What am I suppose to do? I can't afford the crazy price of membership here." In reply to the man, a member said to him "Well, you can shoot cans. Nothin wrong with shootin cans. It's good practice." A week goes by and a police officer is going around to every house to warn everyone that there is a psychopath that has been going around shooting people and also to find out if anyone has any information that would lead the the whereabouts of this killer. Well, after a while of getting nowhere, the officer stopped by the man's house. He tells the man the same details that he has told the people before him, and asks him many questions. Then the cop asked the man, "do you know of anyone who owns a gun?" That's when the man replied, "Well, I bought one about a week ago, but I don't know of anyone else who has one though." The next question the cop asked was, "Have you ever used the gun?" So, the man said, "Only when I practice shooting cans. I was a little reluctant to try this at first, but I was told that it was ok, so I've shot lots and lots of cans and I'm getting pretty good at it. It's hard to shoot em when they move so much though." the officer asked "Move? How do cans move?" So the guy replied "Of course they can move. I've been shooting Mexicans, Americans, Africans, Jamaicans, oh ya and also Canadians."A Great Operation
This one was sent to me from Dickies. He wasn't the only one to respond to my site, but he was the only one to send in a joke for it.This 47 yr old woman has just had a facial and a few other beauty operations and is feeling pretty impressed with the result anyway she decides to go and gets a new dress to go with her new look and asks the lady at the dress shop counter how old she thinks the lady is , so the lady at the counter say's ooh about 34-35 and the woman says "well actually I'm 47 so feeling really happy she had this operation she walks out and feels hungry so she goes to McDonalds to get some food. When she get's her food just out of interest she asks the man behind the counter at McDonalds how old he thinks she is. So the guy says "mmm about 30-32 and the lady says "well actually I'm 47. So after this day she goes to the bus stop to catch the bus home and she sees this old man sitting away a bit and she ask's him how old he thinks she is and the man says "well there's only one surefire way I can tell how old you are and that is to let me put my hands down your pants" so the lady looks around to see if anyone is around notices that no one is around so she tells the man he can put his hand down her pants. The old man has a really good feel around says "you are 47" stunned the lady says "how did you do that" and the man replies "I was behind you in the line at McDonalds".
Looking for Mail
There was a guy that had just moved into a new house. He was buisy moving his funiture into his house, when a lady came out of the house next door. She walk up to her mailbox, looked inside and went back into her house. A few minutes later she comes back out, looks in the mailbox again, then closes it & looking very irritated, walks back into her home. The guy thinks this is a little strange, so he waits to see what happens next. And yet again, the same lady walks back out, goes over to the mailbox, looks inside, then slams it. The guy asks her, "Is there a problem?" She says, "You're damn right there is. My computer keeps saying 'You got mail'!"That's it for those jokes. Come to think of it, I can think up more good ones from emails of whatever. Perhaps I'll make another blog post sometime later.
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