The Old Wound That Never Really Healed

Oh look... the blog I forget I have until I have a dream I feel like recording/sharing. Except I barely remember dreaming anymore as my sleep patterns are trash due to work schedules and habits. Anyhow, I sleep heavier as a result. On the plus side, haven't had sleep paralysis in... I'm not sure how long it's been, but it's been a long time.

I suppose I could touch on a topic that has come to mind as of late for some reason. TRIGGER WARNING TO FUTURE SELF... the shit upsets me when I think about it too much. So, down deep into the rabbit hole of my brain, where it's dark and cold. Where to start... So, my parents divorced when I was a wee bebe. My mother got custody and didn't tell me all what went down with my father except pieces here and there into adulthood. She didn't want to trash talk and to let me form my own opinions of him. Quite frankly, he was a shit father. The number of times he has called me I could probably count on one hand, maybe two. ...maybe, but probably not. I didn't meet him until I was 12 (and haven't seen him since). Of course, he legally had to pay child support. We were poor when I was a kid, so that would have helped. However, he would dodge it and even hid from other family members (his parents and siblings) when one of my aunts ratted out his info to help us. When I was a kid, I would spend summers with relatives. It would alternate which grandparents I was with for a few weeks. He never came to visit while I was with his parents. There was even a time when he had been there prior to me coming. I remember hearing about him seeing my little cousins and buying them whatever little things it was... that just stung. He has always had knowledge of my home info address/phone or at the very least knew where to find it. Over the years, was either nothing or the rare big box of holiday presents. Can't buy my affection, but it's nice to know my existence has been remembered. Fast forward into adulthood... he eventually paid off the back child support to my mother, somewhere in my early 20s. I don't remember how old exactly, but that shit would have been more useful when I was a kid. At some point a bitterness towards the bastard had formed. I hate my middle name, because it was named after him. Move forward to... 26? 28? around there somewhere. He emails me. He informs me Grandpa passed, which my other relatives seemed to have forgotten to tell me (fucking ouch). I'm not one to want to hold on to negative emotions, so he wanna try and be less shit, ok. I'll hear him out. We email each other for a while. I've spoken to him on the phone a handful of times. After a while, some personal shit happens in his life, things involving a hospital and he's seeing another woman before the previous one moved out. The emails become less frequent. I'm not sure if it's the holidays with the emphasis on families and whatnot or his profession and my bf building a new pc (and having troubles), but I'm reminded. Last email was for last new year apparently. That anger, those hurt feelings being felt again. I don't know if he's having physical issues or just being a bastard because he's happy with his latest lady. I don't know who emailed who last and quite frankly I don't give a shit. Enough time has passed that it doesn't matter. Also, more importantly I DON'T OWE HIM SHIT. Even when we were on more positive terms, I felt anxiety when he talked about how he'd like me to come up there some time. Email is just text on a screen, same as this blog. Going out of my way, to leave home, to see him face to face after all these years is a huge step and I can't be the one to make that effort.

If you're reading this old man, fuck you.

Rear End

So, this dream was a couple nights ago, or whenever it was. It was recent and I still remember it. Could have been this morning, but early mornings are tiring and seem like longer ago.

I'm in a car with mom. She's driving. There's a truck on the left with a hispanic lady and guy, possibly siblings. The guy is driving, the girl is acting as if to challenge for a fight. We've no intention of stopping for scrapping. We keep driving, then speed up. We're ahead for a while, until they drive in front of us and the girl goes into whatever they are pulling along behind the truck. Right in front for the car, sorta mooning us, except with clothes on. Then the truck stops, causing us to rear-end them. A fender-bender.

At best I can think of is that the lady kinda reminds me of an old friend, but not really. Thinking about it now, my dream may have done a pun with the rear end. I can't think of any meaning to the dream though. I'll probably forget about it before figuring it out.

Crazy Trains and Stabby Dr. Suess

*Disclaimer: Dream does not actually contain Dr. Suess

Dream morning 12/28 I'm on what would best be described as either a train car or a vehicle stuck together with other identical vehicles in the shape of a train. It seems to change in size at different parts of the dream. I forget why I'm on there at first, but there are a bunch moving side by side and there's someone with me that I know (forget if mom or Lee upon awakening). Anyhow, that person jumps onto another train car to the left and I was going to follow, but things happened so fast, that I miss that and even nearly have my hand scraped or worse while holding the ladder rail. The train-things all veer off in different directions. At times the train-car is a bit too easy to tip, like it's just floating as it moves, so I have to keep it steady. Eventually, it comes to a turn and the two people in the cars ahead of me purposely knock their sections over to the right and get off and up stairs as quickly as they can. Mine goes towards the left and into what appears to be an abandoned cave-ride with obstructions, so I tip mine over too and jump out before it collides into something. Unsure of where I am or what's going on, I go up to the stairs the two people from the front cars had. However, very quickly there was other people coming out of nowhere (women, children, 3 old miners that came out of a door by the cave that I thought was fake or abandoned, and whoever else). I didn't know if they came from the commotion of the crash, but it became apparent they weren't just normal onlookers. What's more odd than them coming out of nowhere, was how they were all staring at me for some reason. As I climbed up the stairs, there was more people, just staring and a couple children latched on briefly. The second child was a mere toddler trying to grab me. I went on and then up a ladder. Before I reached another platform, some guy came from unknown place as the others had was suddenly behind me. (Yes, still on the ladder and so was he, cuz taller than me). In a deep voice with a British accent he said a rhyme and paused for half a second as he stabbed me in the left side of my torso (rib-cage area) with a thin dagger.

"I didn't know
When it first did begin
But please wait a moment (stab)
While your veins do rebend"

After the stab and last line, I woke up with the strong urge to pee.

It didn't just seem like, "oh, it's a dream so it's weird" at least not the last bit, after the crash. I got a sense of strange going-on's like some weird shit at the beginning of a sci-fi show/movie, before you know the back-story to understand wtf happened. You know the sort, some poor schmuck gets taken in by unknown entity and doesn't understand what happened or why. Did I disrupt something or have the misfortune to enter into a bad place? Did a similar fate happen upon everyone that was there? Perhaps the guys in the cars ahead of me knew something and hence their trying to avoid that cave area and frantic rush to get out of there. Those people staring as if expecting something... Then what happened after? Weird supernatural stuff? Death? But unlike Doctor Who or some other show, you can't just wait for the next episode or look it up online. The only explanation is within the subconscious of the head that dreamed it and it may not be as literal as a story.

Dragon-kin? - The Flight Dream

Been a while since I could remember dreaming or at least dreaming anything of interest worth jotting down. Anyhow, I had a dream last night (or more accurately, this morning) that I was part dragon. I had huge wings and flew around. Not sure if I'd had dreams of such free-flight before. Closest I had before was either like mega-jump or weak flight, where I couldn't for very long. No, this was good flying. Anyhow, I remember there being a large bay of some sort, ocean with land not too far. Maybe it was just ocean with shore, not sure. Anyhow, I remember there was giant squids in the water, like in the old sailors tales that could drag a boat under the water. Out of curiousity, I would fly over to one, but keeping a good distance to not get pulled under the water. I was likely the only one who could, because I didn't need a boat to do so. I don't recall where else I flew. Eventually, things turned sour as there was a woman that wanted to harm me. Tried to cut me with knife I think it was. At some point I got tangled up in something. Then the bad woman decided to violate me. That was a mistake. I gradually became more dragon-like, grew a jaw full of razor-sharp teeth, and took a chunk out of her neck. Then I was waking up and my imagination about growing rock-skin more akin to a dragon popped in my head, but I don't think it was part of the dream.

I might try and figure out the meaning of my dream later. For now, I figure part of it may be related to one of the last videos I watched before bed, "My Friend Deathwing." It wouldn't be the first time stuff I've watched caught up to me during sleep. All-in-all, interesting.

Ladybugs and Ramblings

Alright so sharing a couple dreams. Let's see...

So couple nights ago (mornings ago, whateve), I remember a dream about swarming ladybugs. I don't remember hardly anything, but I remember a part where there were lots & lots of ladybugs flying around someone for some reason. I don't even remember if they were friendly or pissed. I do remember some were green, while the others were red.

Then I had a dream yesterday morning. I remembered it when I woke up. I remember I was going to type up what I could remember, because for the last... hmm, couple years(?) that is a rarity for me to remember any dreams & typically just remembering that I had a dream is like "wow" (for lack of words). This is most likely due to my sleeping less hours than previously, which sends me right into deep sleep. Anyone who sleeps for like 12 hours at a time just astonishes me. My system has just adjusted itself, so if I can sleep 8 hours before I wake up, I am quite pleased and well rested. I need to work on that, cuz it's probably one of the reasons why I have trouble with my head. "What's wrong with your neck?" Nothing, I stretch my neck to relieve/avoid headache. Also, you know... computer sitting. What was I saying? ...Right, that dream. Nope, sorry. I can't remember it.

Yes, this is pretty much a filler post. I wanted to at least jot down the ladybug dream & slowly bury... well, that other old ass post. Yeah, they're all old ass posts, I know this. I should go do that sleep thing now. It's late and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. No big events, just my sweetie.

Getting to the Heart of the Issue

Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! what am I suppose to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the it thought it could give Cave Johnson Lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man that's gonna burn your house down! ...with the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustable lemon that burns your house down!

Personal story time: From, what was it? ...November 19th 2009 to August 26 2013 I had been in a relationship with a man I loved. We never had any real fights and had stuff in common. His taste in music sucked, but who cares? He had some personal issues to deal with, but I stuck around and tried to be there for him the whole time.

Problems in the relationship started about 3 months prior to the end, when I had come over to his house to hang out once he had come back from his doctor appointment. I even left home early that day so we could have a bit hang time before he had to leave. Anyhow, I got to his house and he wasn't there. Obviously he had left early and I didn't put too much thought into it. I went into the kitchen, made myself a sandwich, grabbed a soda & chips, went to his computer to watch youtube videos... His laptop was particially open & his facebook was open with 2 chatboxes. I don't know these people, so I'm curious and start reading. (I'm usually not nosey, but like I said, I was curious and it was right there.) That's when I found out he had been flirting with and seeing multiple girls. I was so stunned the whole thing seemed surreal to me. It's a very strange feeling when you aren't sure if what is happening around you is reality or not. On one level I flipped my shit, but on another it was like I was just playing the part of how people are expected to react when they find out something like that. I never ate my lunch, because it ended up part of the mess that was a trashed room. Not that it was tidy to begin with... I believed it was over, but I had to confront him and so I waited... mostly on the front porch... for a couple hours... thinking... watching ants... going back inside to break a thing... coming back out and burning random leaves & twigs out of boredom. (I almost forgot to mention he wasn't there because he left early for pizza and a ride with one of those women.) I did confront him and I was so shaken from the whole incident I just wanted to believe things didn't go too far. I wanted to believe he was fucked up because of depression problems he'd been having and didn't want me to know to what extent. 3 and half years and I loved him... I didn't know what to think or what to do. I knew from one conversation I read that there was more than those 2 and he mentioned a name. When I had him remove them from his list, he decided to keep the third "because I realized we were just talking". I made him show me his private chats and from what I had read it didn't look like there was intent there... there wasn't flirting, she had a boyfriend, and it looked like she was talking him out of suicide. I also found out that day that he still secretly kept in contact with both of his "friends". I shut down and had no will to do anything at that moment, I was so disappointed. As time went on, he seemed to be trying to fix things including personal problems of his. I'd still had those trust issues in my head... Certain parts of the conversation I read haunted me.

Well, let's bring things up to last week. I head straight to his house after work to hang out, unsure of when he was suppose to be off work (new job). I'd rarely had the opportunity to snoop since then because he'd either be there or logged out. Anyhow, the business of 'why did he mention her in with the others if things were innoscent?" lingered in my mind. I opened up his facebook. He archived thier conversation as to keep it secret and I knew this. Easy enough to open still, just a few extra steps... turns out things weren't so innoscent. They did more than talk, as a matter of fact they fucked on the second time they hung out and they apparently hung out so many times before I found out about the whole ugly mess 3 montha ago that nobody had a number of times to give. ...so why should I believe it was only then? Well, that enraged me. I snapped his laptop over my knee (seems I apparently only broke the connectors to the broken screen because he'd obviously used it since). I threw some shit around... ripped up his signed foam finger of his favorite band... ripped up a sentimental gift I made for him... grabbed up some shit (mostly mine) and left. No confrontation, just left.

He has still been trying to contact me. I have mostly avoided contact after the first day, but yes... I am bad about keeping my thoughts to myself on the matter. I never initialize contact now and refuse to pick up the phone. Feeling betrayed on so many levels, I can not believe the things he tries to tell me in his pleading. ...so vast were his lies. The anxiety has affected me on a physical level, but a week has gone by and I'm getting better. I don't have a problem sleeping now and it's hard to tell at the moment on my appetite, but my stomache isn't bothering me presently. All week I've been feeling sick when I need food instead of hungry. This makes it really hard to eat much, but I've forced myself to stuff down some vital nutrients. I've also been removing things that are connected to him, gifts/etc. I keep finding things I forget about about... from the painting next to my head when I sleep to a couple mugs in the cabinet. I still have pictures to delete, but I can do that whenever. I don't have to look at them now.

Well that is my (true) story of the week. All I can do now is focus on things that make me happy and move on with my life. I have plans to meet new "friends", but I should probably wait a bit. ...and in case that came out wrong, no I don't know who they are yet.

Fuck your lemons Joe! Get your damn lemons away from me! I wanted berries and you brought me fucking lemons! If you don't keep your damn lemons to yourself I'm gonna shove them so far up your ass you'll be crying lemonade for a month! no, six months! no, a year! You'll have lemonade for tears that will burn your eyes for an entire year and then your eyes will have lemon burns after that, but I don't know long lemon-burns last. Maybe you'll go blind, from the lemons.

Lucid Dreaming

If you know me, maybe you know what I'm about to mention & maybe you don't. Every once in a while during sleepy-time I go through something that I have come to understand is called sleep paralysis. Basically, it is when a person becomes conscious during the part of sleep where limbs are unmovable. Being unable to move legs & arms during sleep is normal, because otherwise people would be flailing about all the time to act out their dreams & potentially hurt themselves. However, becoming aware of it is not quite so common & falls under the catagory of parasomnias. It's not so dangerous as say, sleep-walking, but it can be damn scarey. Some people experience weightlessness & lucid dreaming, but that has not been my experience. What happens is that I am either about to nod off or wake up & in that between-state I notice that I can't move my arms & legs. This is followed by feeling as though my body is being weighted down. First time or few this happened, it scared the shit out of me. I researched & it's still unsettling when it happens, but the fear is less. Even though I have a basic understanding, I still get that feeling like a presence is there dispite the knowledge that I know there is not. Also the fear of being pressed deeper... In any case, I do my best to (literally) shake it off, maybe try to speak. One time I was lucky enough to have someone in the room to snap me out of it. Basically, wake up to being actually awake.

Last night I had a dream, that for a while I wasn't sure was a dream. I was lying in bed, unsure if I was experiencing sleep paralysis of a sort, but it was different than usual. For one thing, I wasn't being weighted at all (possibly lighter, but I wasn't sure). I did have the sleep tingles in my arms, whatever the cause, it's why I can't do anything major with me hands when I first wake up (like writing or gripping heavy things). Anyhow, there was the distinct feeling of a presence. I one point, I even recall pulling my pillow to hold against the invisible force, which was very much there. The whole thing went on for a little while, but there's not much to say about it, since not much happened. I will say however, that I know for a fact this was a dream, at least in part because my pillow was under my head when I woke up. The way everything went, I'm not really positive as to whether or not certain parts of my brain was awake. I questioned how much was a dream as I dreamt it. I can't really say it was all that scarey, at least compared to when I awaken in paralysis-mode, but it was certainly odd.