Getting to the Heart of the Issue

Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! what am I suppose to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the it thought it could give Cave Johnson Lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man that's gonna burn your house down! ...with the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustable lemon that burns your house down!

Personal story time: From, what was it? ...November 19th 2009 to August 26 2013 I had been in a relationship with a man I loved. We never had any real fights and had stuff in common. His taste in music sucked, but who cares? He had some personal issues to deal with, but I stuck around and tried to be there for him the whole time.

Problems in the relationship started about 3 months prior to the end, when I had come over to his house to hang out once he had come back from his doctor appointment. I even left home early that day so we could have a bit hang time before he had to leave. Anyhow, I got to his house and he wasn't there. Obviously he had left early and I didn't put too much thought into it. I went into the kitchen, made myself a sandwich, grabbed a soda & chips, went to his computer to watch youtube videos... His laptop was particially open & his facebook was open with 2 chatboxes. I don't know these people, so I'm curious and start reading. (I'm usually not nosey, but like I said, I was curious and it was right there.) That's when I found out he had been flirting with and seeing multiple girls. I was so stunned the whole thing seemed surreal to me. It's a very strange feeling when you aren't sure if what is happening around you is reality or not. On one level I flipped my shit, but on another it was like I was just playing the part of how people are expected to react when they find out something like that. I never ate my lunch, because it ended up part of the mess that was a trashed room. Not that it was tidy to begin with... I believed it was over, but I had to confront him and so I waited... mostly on the front porch... for a couple hours... thinking... watching ants... going back inside to break a thing... coming back out and burning random leaves & twigs out of boredom. (I almost forgot to mention he wasn't there because he left early for pizza and a ride with one of those women.) I did confront him and I was so shaken from the whole incident I just wanted to believe things didn't go too far. I wanted to believe he was fucked up because of depression problems he'd been having and didn't want me to know to what extent. 3 and half years and I loved him... I didn't know what to think or what to do. I knew from one conversation I read that there was more than those 2 and he mentioned a name. When I had him remove them from his list, he decided to keep the third "because I realized we were just talking". I made him show me his private chats and from what I had read it didn't look like there was intent there... there wasn't flirting, she had a boyfriend, and it looked like she was talking him out of suicide. I also found out that day that he still secretly kept in contact with both of his "friends". I shut down and had no will to do anything at that moment, I was so disappointed. As time went on, he seemed to be trying to fix things including personal problems of his. I'd still had those trust issues in my head... Certain parts of the conversation I read haunted me.

Well, let's bring things up to last week. I head straight to his house after work to hang out, unsure of when he was suppose to be off work (new job). I'd rarely had the opportunity to snoop since then because he'd either be there or logged out. Anyhow, the business of 'why did he mention her in with the others if things were innoscent?" lingered in my mind. I opened up his facebook. He archived thier conversation as to keep it secret and I knew this. Easy enough to open still, just a few extra steps... turns out things weren't so innoscent. They did more than talk, as a matter of fact they fucked on the second time they hung out and they apparently hung out so many times before I found out about the whole ugly mess 3 montha ago that nobody had a number of times to give. ...so why should I believe it was only then? Well, that enraged me. I snapped his laptop over my knee (seems I apparently only broke the connectors to the broken screen because he'd obviously used it since). I threw some shit around... ripped up his signed foam finger of his favorite band... ripped up a sentimental gift I made for him... grabbed up some shit (mostly mine) and left. No confrontation, just left.

He has still been trying to contact me. I have mostly avoided contact after the first day, but yes... I am bad about keeping my thoughts to myself on the matter. I never initialize contact now and refuse to pick up the phone. Feeling betrayed on so many levels, I can not believe the things he tries to tell me in his pleading. ...so vast were his lies. The anxiety has affected me on a physical level, but a week has gone by and I'm getting better. I don't have a problem sleeping now and it's hard to tell at the moment on my appetite, but my stomache isn't bothering me presently. All week I've been feeling sick when I need food instead of hungry. This makes it really hard to eat much, but I've forced myself to stuff down some vital nutrients. I've also been removing things that are connected to him, gifts/etc. I keep finding things I forget about about... from the painting next to my head when I sleep to a couple mugs in the cabinet. I still have pictures to delete, but I can do that whenever. I don't have to look at them now.

Well that is my (true) story of the week. All I can do now is focus on things that make me happy and move on with my life. I have plans to meet new "friends", but I should probably wait a bit. ...and in case that came out wrong, no I don't know who they are yet.

Fuck your lemons Joe! Get your damn lemons away from me! I wanted berries and you brought me fucking lemons! If you don't keep your damn lemons to yourself I'm gonna shove them so far up your ass you'll be crying lemonade for a month! no, six months! no, a year! You'll have lemonade for tears that will burn your eyes for an entire year and then your eyes will have lemon burns after that, but I don't know long lemon-burns last. Maybe you'll go blind, from the lemons.

Lucid Dreaming

If you know me, maybe you know what I'm about to mention & maybe you don't. Every once in a while during sleepy-time I go through something that I have come to understand is called sleep paralysis. Basically, it is when a person becomes conscious during the part of sleep where limbs are unmovable. Being unable to move legs & arms during sleep is normal, because otherwise people would be flailing about all the time to act out their dreams & potentially hurt themselves. However, becoming aware of it is not quite so common & falls under the catagory of parasomnias. It's not so dangerous as say, sleep-walking, but it can be damn scarey. Some people experience weightlessness & lucid dreaming, but that has not been my experience. What happens is that I am either about to nod off or wake up & in that between-state I notice that I can't move my arms & legs. This is followed by feeling as though my body is being weighted down. First time or few this happened, it scared the shit out of me. I researched & it's still unsettling when it happens, but the fear is less. Even though I have a basic understanding, I still get that feeling like a presence is there dispite the knowledge that I know there is not. Also the fear of being pressed deeper... In any case, I do my best to (literally) shake it off, maybe try to speak. One time I was lucky enough to have someone in the room to snap me out of it. Basically, wake up to being actually awake.

Last night I had a dream, that for a while I wasn't sure was a dream. I was lying in bed, unsure if I was experiencing sleep paralysis of a sort, but it was different than usual. For one thing, I wasn't being weighted at all (possibly lighter, but I wasn't sure). I did have the sleep tingles in my arms, whatever the cause, it's why I can't do anything major with me hands when I first wake up (like writing or gripping heavy things). Anyhow, there was the distinct feeling of a presence. I one point, I even recall pulling my pillow to hold against the invisible force, which was very much there. The whole thing went on for a little while, but there's not much to say about it, since not much happened. I will say however, that I know for a fact this was a dream, at least in part because my pillow was under my head when I woke up. The way everything went, I'm not really positive as to whether or not certain parts of my brain was awake. I questioned how much was a dream as I dreamt it. I can't really say it was all that scarey, at least compared to when I awaken in paralysis-mode, but it was certainly odd.

Jeepers Creepers - Tales of the Past

Alright, so it's late & why not post some old stories of creepers...

If you don't already know, I live in the city. If you don't know where, doesn't really matter, but for arguement's sake SoCal. My old neighborhood was none to great. It wasn't the worst, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to wander around at night by myself.

I remember back on W block... I lived in an apartment complex, locked gates at the front & alley. Anyhow, I was hanging with some friends outside. One of my female friends brings me over to the gate to talk with some guy hanging with his friends out there. I got a very bad vibe off him & I was not pleased with her in the least for telling him who I was and dragging me over there. Well, I forget the name now, but he was basically a self-proclaimed thug. Before asking about my interests and anything else that says to me "I am curious about who you are." He asks if I have a boyfriend (and likely the player lines, I don't recall when was the first time he did this). When the question of relationship status &/or "damn you look fine" comes up before well... absolutely anything else, all this says to me is "I want to fuck you." That NEVER works with me. If anything, it makes me nervous. Anyhow, yeah, I wanted to kill my friend. After that time, I'd seen that guy around on occasion. One of those times was when I was getting out of the pool (probably for the bathroom)... dripping wet in a 2-piece... Daytime, with witnesses, but yeah still nervous (& wondering who left the damn gate unlocked). The last time I remember was when I was walking home from the bus-stop with a male friend of mine (fairly big) who lived next to the apartments. Well, he decided to go off to one of his friend's house instead. About a block & a half, no big deal right? Fuck no, wrong! Go about half a block & across the street I hear that asshole with his pals yelling obscenities about me joining them. It has been long enough to forget exactly what they said, but I can tell you it wasn't polite. I was damned glad I wasn't on their side of the street & they didn't come to me or that probably wouldn't have ended well. I could not get across the intersection (damned cars & no traffic lights) & home quick enough.

Some years later I lived on a different street, but same general neighborhood... There was a main street known for having prositutes (a very long road). I took a bus on that street on a regular basis. I recall a time I was walking home in plain jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. Middle of the day, nobody else on the sidewalk, & I hear "Are you on the job? Do you want to make $100?" from some asshole who just stopped further down on the corner. He repeats it once & I keep walking, pissed but not stupid.

There has been twice that I recall & in 2 places... I don't know if the guys were fucking morons or if I just kept my distance to make things too risky for 'em to try anything. I will just give this advice to you guys. Never hit on a lady from a van, especially with darkened or lacking windows behind the driver's seat. Also, never walk up to someone in a van in which you can not see what is going on in the back. Not only kids & ladies, but guys too. I don't care if they're asking for directions, yell to them.

Why I don't take uber early shifts without a ride... It was a different area than I live now, but it can happen anywhere. It was freezing cold winter. I was walking to the bus in the early pre-dawn morning when I walk past someone with no pants (just a sweatshirt with a hood on their head and hands over the genitals). They weren't threatening, (& although odd) I figured perhaps they got drunk & locked out of thier house or something. To be honest, at that time I couldn't tell if it was a dude or chick. Some time later, same thing. Ok, I'm thinking, "not a coincidence, they've gotta be mental". I start using the next block over for my path to the bus. Some time later, I run into the dude again. Logic dictates that a person might be scared in that situation, but really I was just pissed off. I felt like if he tried anything, I would have beat the shit out of him. Equipped with a cell & spray, once more I ran into the guy. This time he walked & talked (really short, had a beard). In a pathetic almost cartoony voice he said, "I won't hurt you. I just want to be your sex slave." I pull out the pepperspray & not being use to it, my aim was rather terrible. Then he says, "Please don't hurt me. I just want to be your sex slave." He stops following before the end of the block & I knew he wouldn't follow (there was nothing to hide behind on the freeway overpass sidewalk). After that, I had a ride to work.

All true shit. I tend to keep my ass out of trouble. However, sometimes trouble just comes out of nowhere. When that happens, one has to keep their wits about them.

mini-story of the mini-stereo and a mini-hat

Copy-Pasta of a true story of mine, because the first location will get deleted at some point and because not everyone uses that form of social media anyway. One day I felt like listening to music in the livingroom. I don't remember what I was doing in there, doesn't matter (I probably should have left this part out, but it's my story. Fuck you, I'll tell it how I want.). I take my portable stereo into the livingroom, plug it in, put in a cd and attempt to play it. It refuses to work. I open it, remove/replace the cd, close, hit play. Every time the cheeky thing tells me "no". I mean this literally, because it forms the word where the 2 digital track numbers are after it acts like it's trying to work. (Joe was there. He thought that part was funny.) Knowing this cd has worked before, I think "what's different?". Besides that it's in a different room & plugged into a different wall socket, the only difference was a small clip hat I usually leave resting on top of the mini-stereo. I know this has no technical significance, but I get it & put it on the thing anyway. You know what happened next? It played the cd. That electrical bastard just wanted its hat. I laughed so hard. It was a while ago, but I'm pretty sure I had the giggles for at least 20 minutes.