Getting to the Heart of the Issue

Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! what am I suppose to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the it thought it could give Cave Johnson Lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man that's gonna burn your house down! ...with the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustable lemon that burns your house down!

Personal story time: From, what was it? ...November 19th 2009 to August 26 2013 I had been in a relationship with a man I loved. We never had any real fights and had stuff in common. His taste in music sucked, but who cares? He had some personal issues to deal with, but I stuck around and tried to be there for him the whole time.

Problems in the relationship started about 3 months prior to the end, when I had come over to his house to hang out once he had come back from his doctor appointment. I even left home early that day so we could have a bit hang time before he had to leave. Anyhow, I got to his house and he wasn't there. Obviously he had left early and I didn't put too much thought into it. I went into the kitchen, made myself a sandwich, grabbed a soda & chips, went to his computer to watch youtube videos... His laptop was particially open & his facebook was open with 2 chatboxes. I don't know these people, so I'm curious and start reading. (I'm usually not nosey, but like I said, I was curious and it was right there.) That's when I found out he had been flirting with and seeing multiple girls. I was so stunned the whole thing seemed surreal to me. It's a very strange feeling when you aren't sure if what is happening around you is reality or not. On one level I flipped my shit, but on another it was like I was just playing the part of how people are expected to react when they find out something like that. I never ate my lunch, because it ended up part of the mess that was a trashed room. Not that it was tidy to begin with... I believed it was over, but I had to confront him and so I waited... mostly on the front porch... for a couple hours... thinking... watching ants... going back inside to break a thing... coming back out and burning random leaves & twigs out of boredom. (I almost forgot to mention he wasn't there because he left early for pizza and a ride with one of those women.) I did confront him and I was so shaken from the whole incident I just wanted to believe things didn't go too far. I wanted to believe he was fucked up because of depression problems he'd been having and didn't want me to know to what extent. 3 and half years and I loved him... I didn't know what to think or what to do. I knew from one conversation I read that there was more than those 2 and he mentioned a name. When I had him remove them from his list, he decided to keep the third "because I realized we were just talking". I made him show me his private chats and from what I had read it didn't look like there was intent there... there wasn't flirting, she had a boyfriend, and it looked like she was talking him out of suicide. I also found out that day that he still secretly kept in contact with both of his "friends". I shut down and had no will to do anything at that moment, I was so disappointed. As time went on, he seemed to be trying to fix things including personal problems of his. I'd still had those trust issues in my head... Certain parts of the conversation I read haunted me.

Well, let's bring things up to last week. I head straight to his house after work to hang out, unsure of when he was suppose to be off work (new job). I'd rarely had the opportunity to snoop since then because he'd either be there or logged out. Anyhow, the business of 'why did he mention her in with the others if things were innoscent?" lingered in my mind. I opened up his facebook. He archived thier conversation as to keep it secret and I knew this. Easy enough to open still, just a few extra steps... turns out things weren't so innoscent. They did more than talk, as a matter of fact they fucked on the second time they hung out and they apparently hung out so many times before I found out about the whole ugly mess 3 montha ago that nobody had a number of times to give. ...so why should I believe it was only then? Well, that enraged me. I snapped his laptop over my knee (seems I apparently only broke the connectors to the broken screen because he'd obviously used it since). I threw some shit around... ripped up his signed foam finger of his favorite band... ripped up a sentimental gift I made for him... grabbed up some shit (mostly mine) and left. No confrontation, just left.

He has still been trying to contact me. I have mostly avoided contact after the first day, but yes... I am bad about keeping my thoughts to myself on the matter. I never initialize contact now and refuse to pick up the phone. Feeling betrayed on so many levels, I can not believe the things he tries to tell me in his pleading. ...so vast were his lies. The anxiety has affected me on a physical level, but a week has gone by and I'm getting better. I don't have a problem sleeping now and it's hard to tell at the moment on my appetite, but my stomache isn't bothering me presently. All week I've been feeling sick when I need food instead of hungry. This makes it really hard to eat much, but I've forced myself to stuff down some vital nutrients. I've also been removing things that are connected to him, gifts/etc. I keep finding things I forget about about... from the painting next to my head when I sleep to a couple mugs in the cabinet. I still have pictures to delete, but I can do that whenever. I don't have to look at them now.

Well that is my (true) story of the week. All I can do now is focus on things that make me happy and move on with my life. I have plans to meet new "friends", but I should probably wait a bit. ...and in case that came out wrong, no I don't know who they are yet.

Fuck your lemons Joe! Get your damn lemons away from me! I wanted berries and you brought me fucking lemons! If you don't keep your damn lemons to yourself I'm gonna shove them so far up your ass you'll be crying lemonade for a month! no, six months! no, a year! You'll have lemonade for tears that will burn your eyes for an entire year and then your eyes will have lemon burns after that, but I don't know long lemon-burns last. Maybe you'll go blind, from the lemons.